Offbeat News - From Offbeat Chronicles

Stalking Nun Gets Restraining Order [Offbeat News] [Offbeat Humour]

After reports of the Polish clergy being warned that they could be thrown in the slammer for plagiarism, we have news that a chubby-chasing nun has been given a restraining order for harassing a compulsive Internet user.

Sister Alopecia of the Little Sisters of Mercy convent in Salem, Oregon, ran into trouble when a block of flats was built across the street from the convent. From her window Sister Alopecia could see directly into the apartment of George Warburton, one of the residents.

Mr. Warburton, age 37, told Offbeat Chronicles “The Internet began taking over my life two years ago when I was just 144 pounds.”

To start with it was just a normal hobby. George would log on when he got home from work, check his mail and do a bit of social networking. But soon it became the centre of his whole world, and George became an Internet addict.

“Now because I exist solely on junk food and take-aways my weight has gone sky high. Things have gotten so bad that I don't bother to dress and only leave the computer to go to the bathroom. I don't clean up and don't close the curtains. It must have been on one of my visits to the bathroom that the sister spotted me.”

Sister Alopecia said “I've prayed this curse to be taken from me, but I just go all weak at the cloisters when I see a heavy man. I’ve gone to confession, and even sought counselling, but nothing seems to work. I just can’t keep away from the window.”

Police presented the following photographic evidence during the court case.

A chastened Sister Alopecia knelt throughout the proceedings.

George Warburton participated by Internet link.

Let us prey.

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Spoof Alert!

Source: Guardian.co.uk   

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Tags: Offbeat, Offbeat+News, Offbeat+Chronicles, Humour, Humor, Nun, Funny, Spoof, Polish+clergy

Chinese Soldier Reprimanded For Viagra Incident [Offbeat News] [Offbeat Humour]

It looks like some guys just don’t learn when it comes to military misdemeanours.

An Israeli soldier has been sent to the slammer for uploading a photograph to Facebook. The guy is supposed to be serving in an elite INTELLIGENCE unit. It wouldn’t have been quite so bad if the Israeli Air Force hadn’t recently instructed servicemen serving in sensitive areas to remove photos uploaded to Facebook. What a dummy.

And now news has emerged that a man serving in the Chinese army has been disciplined for taking Viagra prior to a key military parade.

Fortunately no one was harmed during the incident.

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Source:    BBC News   

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Tags: Offbeat, Offbeat+News, Offbeat+Chronicles, Humour, Humor, Chinese+army, Viagra, Israeli+army

Earth Day [Offbeat News] [Offbeat Humour]

Earth Day will be soon be here, Poetry4kids assures me,
Do your bit to save the world and revel in the glory.
Plastic bags and lager cans, it's not just me to blame
There are many other culprits. Yes, you - we know your name.

Tips for recycling, here's a guide,
The end of the planet? You decide.
Glass my arse, take the empties to the store,
I know what you're thinking, I'm just a bore.

Global warming, it is a fact,
We must make a stand, we all must act.
Buy a fridge, go down to the store,
Put it in the garden and leave open the door.

Beauty contests, only one can win,
The others must take it on the chin,
All's not lost, I've a plan you see.
The winner's not that good, send the rejects to me.

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I hope Poetry4kids appreciates this. What one will do for fellow Blog Catalogers.

Down, street cred and drain seem to spring to mind, but not necessarily in that order. I’ll have to pull the beanie hat down even further now.  Earth Day link

Tags: Offbeat, Offbeat+News, Offbeat+Chronicles, Humour, Humor, Earth+Day, Poetry

Catholic School Teachers Strike Over Lingerie Issue [Offbeat News] [Offbeat Humour]

Catholic school teachers in the United States have further added to Pope Benedict's embarrassment. Arriving in the U.S. at Andrews Air Force Base, Pope Benedict XVI expressed his embarrassment and shame at the behaviour of some clergy with respect to child abuse.

The school teachers, however are either unaware of his plight or prefer to put their agenda first as they prepare to strike over freedom of choice on clothing issues.

Brenda Pacey, from Lewiston, Maine who is the head of the science department at St. Thomas More High School, said that she wants to get away from the frumpy school ma'am image. Ms. Pacey, 27 wants to do this by wearing her bra on the outside of her clothing. Pacey maintains that the school would be denying her human rights if it banned her from doing so.

http://trendy-lingerie.com/141/lingerie-to-be-seen-in

Pacey has the support of several of her co-workers. Jack Fettle (social studies and humanities) said that he would be prepared to wear his underpants over his trousers as an act of solidarity. "If it's OK for Superman, it's OK for me," he quipped.

Sister Donna Marie the RI teacher said that as a nun aware of modern dress styles she wants to try the stockings and suspenders look that she spotted a while ago. If given the go ahead Sister Donna Marie hopes to enter the school's sports day in a fun-nun-run. A hundred metre dash that she hopes will raise money for her favourite charity - Blind Dogs For The Guides.

And George N. Babcock, the school’s art master said that he had to wear a skirt at home when he was mowing the lawn because of a fungal infection. He's found the skirt so comfortable and liberating that he now wants to wear it to school. He said that he thought the pupils would understand and be 'cool with the idea'. He didn't expect there would be excessive cases of pencil dropping for a quick 'upskirter'.

The militant teachers are planning a candlelight vigil to coincide with Catholic Underwear Awareness (CUA) week. And top British company Anne Summers which sells clothing and other products for the adult market is running a special line of retro black mantillas with optional matching bodices. A proportion of the profits will go to the CUA.

Similar News Stories:    NYDailyNews    AOL   

Spoof Alert

Tags: Offbeat, Offbeat+News, Offbeat+Chronicles, Humour, Humor, Pope+Benedict, Catholic, Lingerie, Teachers, Spoof

Knickers Fiend Changes His Tune [Offbeat News] [Offbeat Humour]

Offbeat Chronicles can reveal that the man at the centre of the news last week for making requests for women’s knickers is back in trouble again, as a restraining order has been set against him by Judge G. Miles Overblaster.

The man, Wilbur J. Smallsworthy from Bethany, Oklahoma has recently been stalking the world champion knicker wearer Sonia Panz-Doun. Unrepentant Smallsworthy told a shocked court – all those frigging knickers, surely she could spare just one pair. People don’t understand my needs.

With rumours that Smallsworthy might decide to become a sex tourist, panic has set in and the Indonesia Government is urging women to wear padlocks on their knickers. A government official said we have the honour of our women at stake, and besides you just can’t stroll down to Wal-Mart and pick a pair up for a couple of bucks here you know.

And in a not completely unexpected reaction from the men, some have advised the women not to wear any knickers at all.

But Smallsworthy in a statement read out by his solicitor has trashed the idea. “Knickers have caused me nothing but trouble. I’m a reformed man and don’t want to see any again”.

But there was concern as it was leaked that Smallsworthy was heading to Australia where volunteers are planning to gather 200,000 bras so that they can create the world's longest underwear chain. One determined supporter said ‘It’s Sydney or bust’.

Offbeat Chronicles tracked down the pervert at Heathrow Airport over the weekend.

“Just one”, Smallsworthy was seen to mouth from the other side of the glass in the departures lounge.

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Source: Alt News    Steven Humour    ABC News   

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Tags: Offbeat, Offbeat+News, Offbeat+Chronicles, Humour, Humor, Knickers, Bras, Spoof, Indonesia, Sex+tourist

Big Sue or Curvy Carla [Offbeat News] [Offbeat Humour]

I don’t pretend to be an expert on art, but as the saying goes ‘I know what I like’.

Last Thursday a nude photo of French first lady Carla Bruni-Sarkozy, standing all schoolgirly coy (well, as coy as you can get with your kit off), her hands over her special purpose, forming the outline of a heart, (or is it a Batman logo?), was sold in New York for $91,000, more than 20 times its expected price.

Meanwhile:

Luvvy of the art world, Lucian Freud has created a masterpiece guaranteed to put you off your extra-strong lager and kebab supper. His 1995 work, Benefits Supervisor Sleeping, is to be sold in New York next month with an expected asking price of 17 million British pounds.

The piece took nine months to create, and the model ‘Big Sue’ Tilley who posed for Freud said that she started off being paid 20 pounds a day, but enjoyed the meals that he treated her to more. By the look of it, they must have been bloody big meals.

So, I know one is a photograph and one is a painting, but my question is which one would you sooner have hanging on your wall?

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Source: China View    BBC News   

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Tags: Offbeat+news, Offbeat+Chronicles, Lucian+Freud, Carla+Bruni-Sarkozy

Hooligan Traffic Lights Upside Down Claim [Offbeat News] [Offbeat Humour]

Spoof Alert!

Yesterday we reported on Dutch hooligan Dirnt Giff van Dam who completely wiped out 4 years of work and the efforts of Dutch school children by driving a stolen motorcycle into a replica of a Viking ship.

At the time it looked as if the courts would throw the book at him, but van Dam has brought up what he claims to be extenuating circumstances. Although he admits to having taken the bike he says that it was just a bit of fun and that he would have returned it if it had not been for the police chasing him, and believe it or not IF THE TRAFFIC LIGHTS WERE NOT UPSIDE DOWN!

Van Dam said that he was spooked by the police and shot off down the side streets towards the water front, but when he came to the end of the road he saw the traffic lights and was so confounded and confused that he lost control of the motorcycle.

“I just kept looking at the lights, then this really ugly hooker walked out in front of me”, van Dam said. “The next thing I knew was that the front wheel hit the kerb and I was shot into the ice-cream stick thing”.

Van Dam claims to be the real victim of the incident and says that now even the sound of an ice-cream van bell brings him out in a cold sweat.

After the incident emergency services fished van Dam from the water and he was taken to the local hospital casualty department where he was treated for shock, minor lacerations and five hundred splinters.

When asked by our reporter whether police had taken down his particulars, van Dam said yes, but it was still a sore point.

Van Dam is currently released on police bail awaiting a court hearing.

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Source: Offbeat Chronicles

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Tags: Offbeat, Offbeat+News, Offbeat+Chronicles, Humour, Humor, Dutch, Hooligan, Spoof

Ice-Cream Ship Disaster [Offbeat News] [Offbeat Humour]

Alternative Title: Why Tell The Truth, When You Can Do A Spoof?

It took 4 years to build and was constructed from 15 million ice-cream sticks. U.S.-born stuntman Robert McDonald had the help of his family and 5000 Dutch school children to create the 15–metre replica of a Viking ship which he called Thor.

The project was more than just the construction of a ship. It conveyed a message: strive and you can achieve anything; good can overcome evil; the human spirit can never be broken.

Following several test sailings the ship was ready to cross the North Sea to England. On the eve of the crossing after final preparations and modest celebrations the crew retired for the evening.

Meanwhile across town, a young tearaway by the name of Dirnt Giff van Dam stole a motorcycle and set off on a joy ride to impress his mates. But fate was not smiling on him that night, and neither was it smiling on Robert McDonald. Van Dam now being tailed by police shot through the back streets and into the harbour area. Already high on extra-strong lager it is claimed that he ran into a vaporous cloud that was a result of all the glue that had been used to bind the lolly sticks.

Completely losing control of the bike and narrowly missing a hooker and a sailor van Dam slammed into the ship shattering it into a million (well 15 million actually) pieces.

Fortunately he has been assigned a social worker and lawyer and may sue McDonald for negligence, although just like the ship, we don’t think the case will stick together.

Luckily none of the crew was on the ship at the time of the incident, however PeeWee the ship’s mascot has not been seen since.

The next day, our reporter found Mr. McDonald standing by a an ice-cream van near the location of the incident. With plucky resolve as he neared the end of his ice-cream McDonald said “Oh well, one down 14 million, 999 thousand and 999 to go”.

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Inspiration: Yahoo   

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Tags: Offbeat, Offbeat+News, Offbeat+Chronicles, Humour, Humor, Viking+ship, Holland

Don't Mess With Grandma [Offbeat News] [Offbeat Humour]

Alternative Title: Age Rage

I recently had reason to take Funny Offbeat News to task about publicising pictures of my grandma, but that’s another story.

The story here is of mistaken identity. In this case ….. well I won’t spoil it.

Click on the picture for the story.

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Thanks to Pamela

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Tags: Offbeat, Offbeat+News, Offbeat+Chronicles, Humour, Humor, Grandma

Sumo's Girlfriend Piles It On For Her Man [Offbeat News] [Offbeat Humour]

Why Tell The Truth, When You Can Do A Spoof?

While the debate goes on at USA Today about skinny models warping girls’ body image, one girl has piled on the pounds for her man.

Two years ago biker Jenny Hill, a shapely 22–year-old from Albany, Illinois, fell for Sumo wrestling hunk Akihito Takahashi when she was on vacation in Japan.

When Jenny returned to the U.S. the couple kept the relationship going by telephone calls and computer video conversations. Jenny would visit Akihito as often as she could, but last year the two had a crisis when the Sumo champion complained about Jenny’s weight. He actually said that she was too skinny for him. In a row that was blasted over the newspapers, Jenny flew back to Illinois and it looked as if the relationship was over.

Secretly though for the next six months Jenny followed a Sumo diet and quickly went from a svelte size 10 to a whopping size 32. Set to surprise her lover, Jenny booked a flight to Japan, but more problems lay ahead. Because of her new size our love struck heroine couldn’t fit into any of the seats and had to spend an uncomfortable flight in the baggage hold.

Arriving in Takamatsu, Jenny looked a little strained, but it was worth it all when she saw the look on her man’s face. Grinning from ear to ear, Akihito said “I never knew she could look so beautiful”.

Jenny has also been learning Japanese and hopes to move to Japan later in the year to be closer to Akihito. The couple have no definite plans at the moment, but just want to get to know each other again. “I’ll have my hands full stopping my buddies hitting on her,” Akihito joked.

Go on baby, shake that booty.

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Stamp out fattism now! Support the campaign – eat a pie.

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Tags: Offbeat, Offbeat+News, Offbeat+Chronicles, Humour, Humor, Sumo, Japan, Fattism

Monkeys In The News [Offbeat News] [Offbeat Humour]

Alternative Title: Don’t You Eyeball Me Boy

The news of a diaper-wearing monkey running amok on the streets of Orlando led me to do a bit of digging on the subject of monkeys. Of course that inevitably threw up a few YouTube clips, but back to the story.

The poor little critter seems to have escaped from the home of its owner while they were away on a work-related trip. I reckon the monkey was more frightened than deliberately aggressive.

After growling at passers-by and jumping on the back of Sharon Beverly, it was finally contained by animal control. Read more

So on to the selected clip. I can’t embed at the moment, because I changed the layout style of the blog a couple of weeks ago and the left-hand column is no longer wide enough for that. In fact, some of the older posts don’t display properly now. I’ll try to fix that later.

The cowboy monkey

Back to the news. A January article from Environmental Graffiti about a monkey in North Carolina that had used its mind to control a robot in Japan. The little darling’s name is Idoya, and you may find this ridiculous but I think I can feel her reaching out to me over the ether trying to control my arm. Yes, definitely I can feel it start to happen as my arm and hand move inexplicably towards my can of extra-strong lager. Read story

And last but not least, I thought that this was worth another airing.

My spoof last year on a Sheryl Crow story.

Tags: Offbeat, Offbeat+News, Offbeat+Chronicles, Humour, Humor, Monkeys, Sheryl+Crow, Robot

Sumo In The News [Offbeat News] [Offbeat Humour]

Alternative Title: What A Rikishi Wears Under His Kesho-mawashi

Is the guy seated saying I think you forgot these?

And if you fancy a crack at this yourself, why not cut out all the training and just buy an inflatable sumo suit. Get yours at eBay before they’re all snapped up.

Here’s some reading material at at Wikipedia you can browse through while you’re eating your king-sized burgers and swilling the extra-strong lager (you’ve got to do some training). By teatime you’ll be a Sumo master.

As for me, I’m not bothering with the suit or Wikipedia, I’m off to Lindas Garotas Japonesas to look at pictures of beautiful Japanese women.

Have a nice weekend.

Tags: Offbeat, Offbeat+News, Offbeat+Chronicles, Humour, Humor, Sumo, Japanese

The Wedding Is Off [Offbeat News] [Offbeat Humour]

Toddlers can no longer marry in Arkansas

A law that mistakenly allowed anyone — even toddlers — to marry with parental permission was repealed last Wednesday.

Ditching the law ended months of embarrassment for the state and confusion for county clerks, but the news has been met with mixed reactions.

“Darling, I’ve got bad news. The wedding’s off”.

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Source: msnbc   

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Tags: Offbeat, Offbeat+News, Offbeat+Chronicles, Humour, Humor, Wedding

Turkey Tackles Jail Overcrowding [Offbeat News] [Offbeat Humour]

“We slid back the unlocked door, stepped inside and were hit by a fetid stench of stale, warm air, turkey excreta and ammonia. Covering our mouths and noses did little to help. In the dim lighting we could see that all the windows were boarded up. Our camera lights improved visibility and we were faced by a sea of uncomprehending little faces looking at us in what seemed like a parallel world, which few people ever see.”

Stop, stop, stop. Sorry about that – wrong story. That was a news item on Bernard Matthews’ turkey production complex at Weston Longville, England. (Actually, it’s quite a good piece, and I’ll go back to it myself later. Starting to feel a bit guilty. It’s really very sad). Read more

Moving on, here’s the real story.

“Prisoners get one hot shower a week. There are only two toilets on the ward.”

"We can only allow 20 minutes or so for visiting time, instead of an hour. Sometimes we can't send prisoners to court or to hospital because we haven't got enough staff to escort them."

This is the story about overcrowding in Turkish prisons. Read more

Bottom line. You know the saying:

For Turkish prisoners: If you can’t do the time, don’t do the crime.

For the turkeys: If you’ve done no crime, you’ll still get the thyme ……. or sage and onion ……. or chestnut ……. or force-meat stuffing.

Mixed up news, unlikely links.  Mix them up, stir them round and what have you got? Absolute rubbish – but it does make you think.

Tags: Offbeat, Offbeat+News, Offbeat+Chronicles, Humour, Humor, Dark+Humour, Turkey, Turkeys, Prison