Offbeat News - From Offbeat Chronicles

Who Work Harder - Men Or Women? [Offbeat News] [Offbeat Humour]

This question is the subject of news items every now and then, with some writers favouring men and others favouring women.

As far as Australians are concerned, the jury is still out.

At the Australian website MySmallBusiness, it is argued that men are prepared to and actually do work longer hours than women.

With an alternative view NEWScom.au indicates that working mums do far more work than the dads.

And when it comes to love, men it seems work harder at courtship, but women work harder at an orgasm.

"It's amazing to me how much brain work it takes for a girl to have an orgasm," (Jenny) McCarthy said. "Guys just need to look at a nipple, and they lose it. God, I wish it was that easy for us!"

She could be right there. I get inflamed just looking at Olga The Traveling Bra.

But the bottom line is that at the workplace, male or female, it seems we’re encouraged to give more, strive harder and there’s a lot of corporate gobbledegook about giving 100%. So let’s take a moment to look at this.

What makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

If you want to achieve more in your job, seen to be striving and seen to be giving more, then there’s a mathematical formula that’s been around for a while which might help you:

If:
A B CD E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+ 15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S -S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it’s the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

Tags: Offbeat, Offbeat+News, Offbeat+Chronicles, Humour, Humor, Men, Women, Work, Courtship, Orgasm, Bullshit, Ass+kissing

Live For Ever? Kiss My ..... Bullfrog [Offbeat News]

Bullfrog skin contains anti-ageing properties

Alternative Title: Kill A Frog And Preserve An Old Babe – It’s Your Call Dude

It is reported that the homely bullfrog may harbour a valuable anti-ageing substance for humans.

OK, let’s cut to the chase. The link is below. Give it a click and give me a break – I’ve got an extra-strong lager with my name on it in the fridge.

Free radicals? I thought that was a rock band - but what do I know?

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Source: Yahoo

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Brought to you by Offbeat Chronicles – your source of Offbeat News from an offbeat angle

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Blog descriptive keywords:

offbeat, offbeat news, humour, humor, satire, funny, mad, strange, odd, odd news, comical, spoof, spoof news, comment, life, wacky, whacky, weird, crazy, alternative, life, british, ridiculous, glamour, celebrities

Tags: Offbeat, Offbeat+News, Offbeat+Chronicles, Humour, Humor, Anti-ageing, Bullfrog

Jealous Man Emails Lover's Nude Photos [Offbeat News]

Offbeat, News, Humour, Jealous, Lover, Nude Photos

Alternative Title: Tech Tip For Bloggers – Deleted

Just how stupid can you be?

A UK man is facing jail after he emailed nude pictures of his lover, Karen Parker to everyone in her address book when he found out she was flirting with other men.

Stephen Hailes said he only meant to send the photos to Parker's husband and had accidently clicked the wrong button.

I mean dummy, just keep to some basic rules.

1. Store all the private pictures of your personal life in a separate directory.

2. Install macros for basic computing tasks.

I’ve personally created several macros to make life easier. I use one regularly when I’m blogging to ensure that each stage of my post is backed up.

Ooops!

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Source: Morning Herald

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Brought to you by Offbeat Chronicles – your source of Offbeat News from an offbeat angle

Tags: Offbeat, Offbeat+News, Offbeat+Chronicles, Humour, Humor, Macros, Lover's+Nude+Photos

Hands-Free Shopping [Offbeat News]

Senior citizen has this shopping lark in the bag

Alternative Title: Brace Yourself For This!

Here we are on a bright and sunny Monday morning – well, it’s bright and sunny here in this part of Holland. As a start to the day I thought I’d tinker with the blogsite a bit, and came up with yet another category – Useful Tips.

Sorting through my library of news links, I found this piece from last week’s Daily Mail about a gentleman who has devised a novel method of hands-free shopping. I thought this would be just the ticket for the new category.

The ingenious Albert simply uses braces to take the strain when he’s out shopping. Well, there’s a little more to it than that and he did get some help with his invention ‘Martin’s Hands-Free Harness’ from his wife and her sewing machine.

It reminds me of my erstwhile invention ‘The Nitehawk Wicked Waistcoat’. This wonderful fashion item was made of denim and had extra pockets stitched in so it could accommodate several tins of extra strong lager.

Its successor, ‘The Nitehawk Wicked Waistcoat Mk II’ incorporated a little ticket pocket - to hold all the ASBOs.

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Brought to you by Offbeat Chronicles – your source of Offbeat News from an offbeat angle

Tags: Offbeat, Offbeat+News, Offbeat+Chronicles, Braces, Shopping, ASBO