Offbeat News - From Offbeat Chronicles

What Is A Friend? [Offbeat News] [Offbeat Humour]

What Is A Friend?

A friend sees all the good in you, and excuses all your faults,
They may be many miles away, but you're always in their thoughts,
Kind and supportive is what a friend can be,
Like a lifeline thrown to a drowning man in a stormy sea.

What Is Not A Friend?

Someone is not your friend if they make you look a t*t,
And gob in your burger and fries when you've slipped out for a sh*t.
You might just forgive someone, even if they’re a liar,
But you can cross them off your Christmas list if they set your nuts on fire.

Men sentenced for setting friend's crotch ablaze

Offbeat Chronicles has made a reconstruction of what the man’s facial expression might have been when he woke up.

Things might have been a lot worse if Elliot Tuleja’s incontinent golden retriever, Puddles, had not been present at the time of the incident.

That was really a case of a man’s best friend.

Tags: Offbeat, Offbeat+News, Offbeat+Chronicles, Humour, Humor, Friend, Crotch, Golden+retriever

Armadillo Sex Toy Discovered [Offbeat News] [Offbeat Humour]

Why Tell The Truth, When You Can Do A Spoof?

Alternative Title: Is That A Pocket Watch In Your Pocket, Or Are You Just Pleased To See Me?

We are used to the idea that a number of animals can create tools to help them in their every day lives, which in itself is quite amazing. Researchers have found that creatures such as apes can craft sticks to assist them in retrieving honey from bees’ nests, but it was a total shock to discover that one animal, the armadillo had used its skills to create a sex toy.

Apparently the animals are very sexually active and use sex as a social bonding technique.

All in all, I think that these are wonderful little critters, and would recommend anyone to get one as a pet. There’s a world of fun you can have with the little armoured one. In fact, you could do something different with one every day of the year. If you don’t believe me …… log on to the website: http://www.chadland.com/365dillo.html

Tags: Offbeat, Offbeat+News, Offbeat+Chronicles, Humour, Humor, Armadillo, Sex+toy, Spoof

Community Service For Wombat Rape Claim [Offbeat News] [Offbeat Humour]

Humorous and spoof articles based on unlikely news links and themes

Alternative Title: Strike While The Kiwi’s Hot

A Motueka man who claimed to have been left speaking Australian after being raped by a wombat, has been sentenced to 75 hours' community work for his trouble.

Arthur Ross Cradock, a 48-year-old orchard worker called the police communications centre several times, once saying "I'll retract the rape complaint from the wombat, because he's pulled out.''

…… "Apart from speaking Australian now, I'm pretty all right you know, I didn't hurt my bum at all.''

Speaking through an interpreter, the wombat claimed that Mr. Cradock had been eyeing him up all day and his breath smelt of alcohol. “In view of all the incidents involving goats recently, I thought I’d get in first,” the wombat said.

(picture courtesy of Womland)

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Source: press.co.nz   

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Tags: Offbeat, Offbeat+News, Offbeat+Chronicles, Humour, Humor, Wombat

Camera Looks Through Clothing [Offbeat News]

Swarms of photographers likely to be hitting the streets this summer!

Alternative Title: Where Can I Buy One?

A camera that can "see" explosives, drugs and weapons hidden under clothing from 25 metres has been invented.

The ThruVision system could be deployed at airports, railway stations or other public spaces as part of a security system. According to the designers it does not reveal "body detail" or subject people to "harmful radiation".

However, in a leaked report it is claimed that with a little tinkering the camera can actually be made to see right through clothing!

Offbeat Chronicles has been able to obtain the secret photos taken with the device during trials, and in the interest of public awareness has taken the courageous decision to post them.

At the time of writing no details as to the cost of the camera have been released, but I’ve already put it on my Christmas list.

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Brought to you by Offbeat Chronicles – your source of Offbeat News from an offbeat angle

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Tags: Offbeat, Offbeat+News, Offbeat+Chronicles, Humour, Humor, Camera, See-through, Glamour, Spoof