Alternative Title: What Goes In Has Gotta Come Out
I started off earlier today in search of an idea for a post and eventually decided on a theme based on snakes. As I scratched around I came across a story about a snake that ate some golf balls. That reminded me of a joke I’d once heard about a monkey that would eat anything it could find, and then my train of thought was completely broken.
The Snake
An Australian couple from Nobbys Creek, New South Wales, who wanted to encourage their hen to nest, placed four golf balls in the chicken coop.
Well, all was fine and dandy until a carpet python snake slithered its way into the coop. This non-venomous and rather stupid snake mistook the golf balls for eggs and swallowed them. You’d have thought after the first one it might have realised its mistake, but it didn’t. The couple subsequently found the rather lumpy looking 80cm (32 inch) snake in a rather sad condition, and took it to the nearby Currumbin Wildlife Sanctuary.
The story has a happy ending though. Senior veterinarian Michael Pyne performed an operation on the snake and safely removed the golf balls from the its intestine. The snake is now convalescing and working on its handicap.
I never did find out what happened to the hen.
Sky News
Well, not much of a story I know, but that’s all I can manage today………………….
…………………. Of course that’s unless you want to hear about the monkey.
The Monkey
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. He scampers along the bar counter, picks up some peanuts from a bowl then jumps onto a lamp hanging from the ceiling. Swinging from the fitting he proceeds to eat half of the peanuts and throw the rest at the customers.
Jumping back down he lands on a stool situated directly behind a guy bending over the pool table to take his shot. The monkey bares his teeth in a manic smile and looks as if he’s about to bite the guy in the butt. Just then the guy pulls the pool cue back and hits the monkey in the eye.
The little fella lets out a scream and runs round the bar again chattering.
Eventually the monkey settles down and clambers up onto a barstool next to his owner. He spots some olives on the bar and grabs a handful and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them.
Meanwhile, the guy playing pool is on the eight ball and getting down for the shot.
The monkey suddenly leaps across from the stool, lands on the pool table and chatters at the guy. For a moment there is a stand-off, then the monkey grabs the eight ball and sticks it in his mouth. His eyes bulge, but to everyone's amazement, somehow he manages to swallow it whole.
The bartender screams at the monkey’s owner "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy stops sipping his beer and says "No, what?"
The bartender screams "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry about that. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, buys the pool player a drink, and then leaves.
A week later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"No, what?" replies the guy.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but since he swallowed that eight ball last week, he measures everything first..."
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Stolen (and modified somewhat) from Half The Deck
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Offbeat Chronicles
Big Sue or Curvy Carla [Offbeat News] [Offbeat Humour]
I don’t pretend to be an expert on art, but as the saying goes ‘I know what I like’.
Last Thursday a nude photo of French first lady Carla Bruni-Sarkozy, standing all schoolgirly coy (well, as coy as you can get with your kit off), her hands over her special purpose, forming the outline of a heart, (or is it a Batman logo?), was sold in New York for $91,000, more than 20 times its expected price.
Meanwhile:
Luvvy of the art world, Lucian Freud has created a masterpiece guaranteed to put you off your extra-strong lager and kebab supper. His 1995 work, Benefits Supervisor Sleeping, is to be sold in New York next month with an expected asking price of 17 million British pounds.
The piece took nine months to create, and the model ‘Big Sue’ Tilley who posed for Freud said that she started off being paid 20 pounds a day, but enjoyed the meals that he treated her to more. By the look of it, they must have been bloody big meals.
So, I know one is a photograph and one is a painting, but my question is which one would you sooner have hanging on your wall?
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Source: China View BBC News
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Posted at 08:58 PM in Comment, In The News | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)
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