Imagine this. You’re already feeling a bit concerned because it’s Friday the 13th so you’re very cautious about how you proceed with the day.
You take time bathing and dressing, you take care when preparing breakfast, then you hesitantly set off for work.
So far, so good. Avoiding any ladders on the pavement you head for the bus stop looking left and right and occasionally upwards, just in case.
You spend an uneventful ten minutes waiting at the bus stop, and finally the bus arrives.
You get on, pay the driver and get settled in your seat. It’s only then that you spot Sheryl Crow walking down the aisle handing out leaflets.
You a take the proffered leaflet and open it to read that this is promotional tour to raise awareness about global warming and that the bus is running on biodiesel fuel.
Just then the bus pulls up at a stop and a monkey jumps on. No one pays much attention to him and he hops up next to the driver.
The bus sets off again and it’s then that you notice the smell. A sort of mixture of diesel and chip fat. And it’s not only you that notice it. A few of the other passengers start making faces and sniffing the air.
Sheryl gets up and feeling a bit embarrassed about it reaches into her bag and pulls out some perfume. She starts walking up and down the aisle spraying it into the air.
When she gets to the front of the bus she accidentally sprays the monkey. Well, he goes - ape, screaming and chattering and swinging from the overhead parcel rack. Sheryl thinks it’s funny and gives him another spray.
Now he’s really mad and jumps onto her back pulling her hair and biting her. Sheryl slips and the two of them are rolling about on the floor.
The driver jams on the anchors and the fighting pair slide to the front of the bus. The monkey gives her another nip before jumping into the driver’s arms.
The driver takes the monkey’s side, thinking that Sheryl should have known better and orders her off the bus.
Well, Sheryl’s standing on the pavement, hands on hips shouting abuse at the driver, when boom the engine explodes into flames.
Fortunately, there’s an off-duty fireman passing by who for some reason known only to himself happens to be wearing a bikini. He finds the fire extinguisher and quickly puts out the flames.
Sheryl likes the look of the young transvestite hulk and they fall into conversation. The monkey jumps down off the driver’s lap and pulls out the hip flask secreted down the back of the fireman’s bikini bottoms.
The driver then gets harassed by a fat woman and finally gets the bus going again.
You’re now an hour late for work and your clothes smell of a combination of diesel, chip fat, over-powering perfume and monkey p*ss.
As the bus moves on it passes Sheryl and the fireman strolling hand in hand with the monkey perched on the fireman’s shoulders taking swigs from the hip flask.
Well, you think, it could have been worse. And in fact things are looking much better when the bus pulls up at the next stop. A naked woman steps on and walks down the aisle directly towards the seat next to you. So why do you still feel so apprehensive?
Offbeat Chronicles
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