Offbeat News - From Offbeat Chronicles

Who Work Harder - Men Or Women? [Offbeat News] [Offbeat Humour]

This question is the subject of news items every now and then, with some writers favouring men and others favouring women.

As far as Australians are concerned, the jury is still out.

At the Australian website MySmallBusiness, it is argued that men are prepared to and actually do work longer hours than women.

With an alternative view NEWScom.au indicates that working mums do far more work than the dads.

And when it comes to love, men it seems work harder at courtship, but women work harder at an orgasm.

"It's amazing to me how much brain work it takes for a girl to have an orgasm," (Jenny) McCarthy said. "Guys just need to look at a nipple, and they lose it. God, I wish it was that easy for us!"

She could be right there. I get inflamed just looking at Olga The Traveling Bra.

But the bottom line is that at the workplace, male or female, it seems we’re encouraged to give more, strive harder and there’s a lot of corporate gobbledegook about giving 100%. So let’s take a moment to look at this.

What makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

If you want to achieve more in your job, seen to be striving and seen to be giving more, then there’s a mathematical formula that’s been around for a while which might help you:

If:
A B CD E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+ 15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S -S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it’s the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

Tags: Offbeat, Offbeat+News, Offbeat+Chronicles, Humour, Humor, Men, Women, Work, Courtship, Orgasm, Bullshit, Ass+kissing

Ice-Cream Ship Disaster [Offbeat News] [Offbeat Humour]

Alternative Title: Why Tell The Truth, When You Can Do A Spoof?

It took 4 years to build and was constructed from 15 million ice-cream sticks. U.S.-born stuntman Robert McDonald had the help of his family and 5000 Dutch school children to create the 15–metre replica of a Viking ship which he called Thor.

The project was more than just the construction of a ship. It conveyed a message: strive and you can achieve anything; good can overcome evil; the human spirit can never be broken.

Following several test sailings the ship was ready to cross the North Sea to England. On the eve of the crossing after final preparations and modest celebrations the crew retired for the evening.

Meanwhile across town, a young tearaway by the name of Dirnt Giff van Dam stole a motorcycle and set off on a joy ride to impress his mates. But fate was not smiling on him that night, and neither was it smiling on Robert McDonald. Van Dam now being tailed by police shot through the back streets and into the harbour area. Already high on extra-strong lager it is claimed that he ran into a vaporous cloud that was a result of all the glue that had been used to bind the lolly sticks.

Completely losing control of the bike and narrowly missing a hooker and a sailor van Dam slammed into the ship shattering it into a million (well 15 million actually) pieces.

Fortunately he has been assigned a social worker and lawyer and may sue McDonald for negligence, although just like the ship, we don’t think the case will stick together.

Luckily none of the crew was on the ship at the time of the incident, however PeeWee the ship’s mascot has not been seen since.

The next day, our reporter found Mr. McDonald standing by a an ice-cream van near the location of the incident. With plucky resolve as he neared the end of his ice-cream McDonald said “Oh well, one down 14 million, 999 thousand and 999 to go”.

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Inspiration: Yahoo   

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Tags: Offbeat, Offbeat+News, Offbeat+Chronicles, Humour, Humor, Viking+ship, Holland

Don't Mess With Grandma [Offbeat News] [Offbeat Humour]

Alternative Title: Age Rage

I recently had reason to take Funny Offbeat News to task about publicising pictures of my grandma, but that’s another story.

The story here is of mistaken identity. In this case ….. well I won’t spoil it.

Click on the picture for the story.

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Thanks to Pamela

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Tags: Offbeat, Offbeat+News, Offbeat+Chronicles, Humour, Humor, Grandma

St. Patrick's Day [Offbeat News]

Saint Patrick's Day (Irish: Lá ’le Pádraig or Lá Fhéile Pádraig), colloquially St. Paddy's Day or Paddy's Day

Alternative Title: If You're Irish Come Into The Parlour, There's A Welcome There For You

If you're Irish come into the parlour, there's a welcome there for you! You’ll have to squeeze up a bit though, as it’s full of empty extra-strong lager cans, and now I’ve got crates of Guinness in as well.

No more shenanigans, let’s get started.

So when you’re partying today keep your eyes open for a 6-foot-tall glass of Guinness. No, not a real one, it’s a green, pint-glass-shaped Guinness costume with an estimated value of $3,000 that was stolen last week.

Kitty Dance – stolen from Huhns.org

6 Reasons the Irish Aren't So Lucky – a very nicely constructed piece. It’s at 778 diggs at the moment. Go on, push it up a bit more.

The Irish – the inventors of wireless broadband. Read the report here.

The religious aspect

Bless me Father ……

N.Y. pub bans ‘Danny Boy’ on St. Patrick’s – Awh, spoil sports, why do a thing like that?

“It's depressing. It's not usually sung in Ireland for St. Patrick's Day. And its lyrics were written by an Englishman who never set foot on Irish soil”. OK, I get the point. Story

Suicide is Nonexistent in Some Cultures – an article here shows that the Irish (among a few other nations) are less likely to commit suicide.

The Eurovision Song Contest – What’s all that about? A complete waste of time, that’s what. Fortunately, it has somewhat been redeemed by the Irish who have picked a turkey to represent the country.

"The mere fact of his being a turkey should give Ireland the edge," Geldof told the Irish Times.

Irish pub, language watchdog battle over vintage signs – believe it or not the Office quebecois de la langue francaise, the Quebec language law watchdog is kicking up a stink because an Irish pub is using English-only signs, an English-only chalkboard menu. They can feck off.

Let’s Get This Party Started – somebody’s already got the tinnies in. 450 full kegs of Guinness stolen from the Guinness brewery should do the trick.

Snake In The Grass – Irishman man Shane Cooke, bit the head off his girlfriend's pet snake during a fight. Cooke's lawyer said that his client had been consuming alcoholic drinks for several hours before the attack. You don’t say, I am surprised. Personally speaking, I always find that a few bevvies give me the munchies.

Drunk Dialing Competition – We’ve all been there, all done it. I think I’ve even got the T-shirt. The really embarrassing thing is ringing back the next day to find out what you said.

St. Patrick’s Day Moved To Friday 14th – For the first time since 1940, St. Patrick's Day will fall during Holy Week, the sacred seven days preceding Easter. Bishop Kevin Boland of the Diocese of Savannah, Georgia wanted to move the date of the celebrations and in response, the citywide Irish festival was moved to Friday, March 14, when schools will close and bagpipe-driven parties will carry into the streets.

And lastly, St. Patrick wasn’t Irish! He just liked Guinness, Colcannon and a knees up. Check this and other interesting info out here.

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Tags: Offbeat, Offbeat+News, Offbeat+Chronicles, Humour, Humor, St.+Patrick's+Day, Irish, Guinness, Shenanigans, Bob+Geldof

Germany In The News [Offbeat News]

Flying trampoline halts German high-speed train

After a German high-speed train was forced to make an emergency stop when a trampoline was blown on to the tracks from a nearby garden, police said someone’s for the high jump.

Women caught with skeleton in suitcase

If asked do you have any skeletons in the cupboard, these two Italian women could answer no quite truthfully. They’d got one in their suitcase.

Six convicted of German recruit abuse

This certainly came as a shock to some of the recruits. When asked for a comment, an army spokesman said “We are trying to come to terms with it, but it’s a real blow to the privates”.

Report: 1 percent of East Germans were spies

I see with my little eye …….. It’s been reported that one percent of the East German population were informers for the secret police in 1989, just before the fall of the Berlin Wall. I wonder what they’re doing now.

Police pull over Opel Vectra, find fourteen Romanians on holiday

A case of two’s company, fourteen’s a crowd. How did they all fit in? Read more, there’s a picture too.

Mad wallpaper

Surrealien is a German company that makes wallpapers they call warping wallpapers. You’ve just got to check the pictures out.

Merkel puts Putin on the spot over International Women's Day

International what?

German monk caught with 230 porno films

What a dirty habit

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Brought to you by Offbeat Chronicles – your source of Offbeat News from an offbeat angle

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Tags: Offbeat, Offbeat+News, Offbeat+Chronicles, Humour, Humor, Germany, Porno+monk

Scottish Government Puts Clamps On Tartan Talk [Offbeat News]

Scots Making A Makeover

Alternative Title: Men In Skirts Turn Over A New Leaf

Is it goodbye to tartan, bagpipes and kilts? Maybe not, but it looks like the Scots want to dump the shortbread tin image. They say that there is more to Scotland than tartan and whiskey. That might be so, but they’ve been promoting that image for some time and it might take some doing to shed it.

I mean, this sort of thing hasn’t been helping has it?

http://scottishterrierdogs.blogspot.com/2008/01/should-your-dog-wear-kilt-for-robbie.html

And on the tiresome subject of what a Scot wears under his kilt, well this has already been reported by Offbeat Chronicles some time ago.

But now as we’ve brought it up …….. here’s a stool for kilt wearers …... and possibly Jeremy Paxman, as well, now I come to think of it.

And of course there is always the question – would you, or wouldn’t you? It might take a while to load, but it’s worth it.

SikVid movie

Anyway, back to the story. The Scottish Government has renamed the country's annual Tartan Week celebrations that will take place next month as ‘Scotland Week’. The country also has to try to counter the old image perpetuated by New York's Scottish residents and descendants, who maintain their own Tartan Day celebrations.

In an attempt to showcase modern Scotland, Scottish government officials will travel to the United States next month to highlight the country's business opportunities.

The Nitehawk would have liked to wish them every success. However, in the light of recent news I now hope that their sporrans get caught up in the baggage carousel!

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Source: UPI  KickArseMovies   

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Brought to you by Offbeat Chronicles – your source of Offbeat News from an offbeat angle

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Blog descriptive keywords:

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Tags: Offbeat, Offbeat+News, Offbeat+Chronicles, Humour, Humor, Scottish, Tartan, Jeremy+Paxman, Kilts

Largest Sea Monster Found [Offbeat News]

Fossilised remains of giant sea monster unearthed in the Arctic

Alternative Title: Does My Flipper Look Big In This?

Norwegian scientists claim that a fossilised creature unearthed on an Arctic island is a record breaker. The creature would have measured 15m (50ft) from nose to tail.

“The Monster was excavated in August 2007 and taken to the Natural History Museum in Oslo. Team members had to remove hundreds of tonnes of rock by hand in high winds, fog, rain, freezing temperatures and with the constant threat of attack by polar bears” said Dr Jorn Hurum, from the University of Oslo Natural History Museum.

Mmm. If I remember correctly, I was on a pebbly beach in Southend struggling with a deck chair. Oh, happy days.

Anyway, back to the story.

It’s reported that "A large pliosaur was big enough to pick up a small car in its jaws and bite it in half."

So I’m wondering if that contributed to the extinction of Fred Flinstone. Maybe not.

Scientist were extremely interested in determining the creature’s food source as this could help build a more extensive picture of life on earth 150 million years ago. Team members investigating the remains of the creature’s stomach were shocked to discover that junk food is not a modern phenomenon – the animal actually lived on a diet of peanut butter sandwiches and chocolate milk-shakes.

Meanwhile, Irish scientists have reported the discovery of the remains of a Guinness-drinking, soda bread-eating Leprechaun, but we think they’re just being silly.

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Source: BBC

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Brought to you by Offbeat Chronicles – your source of Offbeat News from an offbeat angle

Tags: Offbeat, Offbeat+News, Offbeat+Chronicles, Largest+Sea+Monster

How to get on a bus: idiot's guide published

An idiot’s guide explaining how to get on and off a bus has been produced for people who have a phobia of public transport.

According to Stagecoach, which has created the step-by-step manual, a large proportion of Britain’s population are now so used to travelling by car that they have become scared of buses.

How to get on a bus: idiot's guide published - Telegraph.

All the information is positive and upbeat. It was decided to try to offer reassurance and build confidence, so some of the content of the first draft has been omitted in the final publication.

Our reporter discovered that sections such as ‘What to do if the driver falls asleep’ and ‘Don’t be judgemental – your driver needs love too’ have been axed.

Our advice on handling such matters is to act calmly but decisively.

For the first situation ask “Are you all right?” then if necessary grasp the steering wheel firmly and take control of the bus. More details at: http://mdn.mainichi.jp/national/news/20080115p2a00m0na002000c.html

In the second situation ask “Are you all right? Your eyes appear to have glazed over.” Offer reassurance and tell the driver “Please continue to the terminus, but let me off first – I think this young lady needs escorting home. http://www.metro.co.uk/weird/article.html?in_article_id=81114&in_page_id=2

Pick Of The Week

Mid Suffolk District Council recently had its best efforts to promote a tourist attraction thwarted by a little girl.

The council commissioned a pamphlet to encourage tourists to enjoy the beauty of Thornham Walks. In a photo showing children dressed in Easter outfits, a little girl can be spotted picking her nose.

The story is taken from the Daily Telegraph, but unfortunately the picture of the pamphlet page in question is rather small. To recreate the effect for you, our correspondent has trawled the web to find a suitable substitute, finally selecting one from yarn.junkie.

Now fascinated by this subject of nose-picking, I began to research using the terms ‘picking’ and ‘pick’.

I came across such articles as ‘How to Pick Your Nose Inconspicuously’ and ‘Stop Nose Picking Hypnosis’.

But I quickly became distracted and totally lost interest when I came across the Pick The Hottie website.

This is a truly inspirational site, where one’s judgement and sense of conviction are constantly challenged.

In fact, I’ll see you there in two minutes.

My Wife The Goat

Offbeat Chronicles can report that a Sudanese man, Mr. Tombe from Hai Malakal in Upper Nile State has recently married a goat.

Mr. Tombe has never been married before, but Mrs. Tombe has been twice married and has a number of kids, although none currently live with her. Strangely enough, both of her previous husbands were called Billy. Although both the husbands were horny, they gave the reason for leaving Jasmine as feeling trapped and being ‘in the same old rut’.

Speaking through an interpreter Mr. Tombe told Offbeat Chronicles ’This is the real thing. Jasmine is the one for me.’

Tombe went on to say ‘She was particularly beautiful, his goat, with a gleaming coat of silver threads and small wooden wheels instead of hooves. But people frowned on overt goat love, even in the remote village of Sunrise, and Yuhan was forced to keep his love hidden, both literally and figuratively.’

We suspect something has got lost in the translation.

When we told Mr. Tombe that our research had indicated that his wife had a rather colourful past and had reportedly had an affair with three Frenchmen, there was a lot of commotion on the other end of the phone.

The interpreter explained Mr. Tombe had indicated that he wished me the following:

“May the fleas of a thousand camels lodge in you armpit.

May the snails devour your corpse, and the rains do harm worse. May the devil your hairy body soon.

Woe to you, you dirty fellow. You've filthied me!

Derangement and madness on your mind come soon.

A child be within you forever unborn.”

With that the phone went dead.

I wasn’t too worried about the curses at first. I mean ‘deranged and mad’ who me? But I’m hoping that this little swelling in my stomach is just the start of a beer-belly after the festivities of Easter.