Offbeat News - From Offbeat Chronicles

Reasons Why I Haven't Posted [Offbeat News] [Offbeat Humour]

Firstly, let me wish you a Happy New Year. I haven’t posted for an exceptionally long time. So rather than give a reason, I thought I'd give a number of reasons, and let you select one yourself.

So here we go.

Excuses for not posting:

1. I was captured by white slave traders at a Belgian ferry terminal and sold into slavery as a sex toy for a tribe of Amazonian female warriors - I wish.

2. I was abducted by aliens and subjected to experiments by their women. See a theme developing here?

3. I hit my head and lost my memory. After checking my email and finding my name to be Nitehawk, I climbed onto the roof at midnight and attempted to fly into my neighbour's garden.

4. I spent five months in hospital (see excuses 3, 5, 6 and 7).

5. After a particularly festive night, I decided to heed the 'Don't drink and drive' rule and cycled ten miles home, not realising that someone had stolen my saddle.

6. I bought a whole bunch of helium-filled balloons to take to the local children's hospital, and ended up in Buenos Aires.

7. Having read about the hottest chili in the world, I went down to my local Indian restaurant and ordered a dish.

8. I got accidentally locked in the changing rooms of the local women's lingerie shop.

9. I ran away to the circus.

10. I got a job at a strip club helping the girls into their costumes. It was ten euros an hour. Not a lot I know - but it was all I could afford.

11. After reading Eric Clapton's biography, locked myself away in my room to become a guitar hero. Unfortunately, I didn't get to the bit where it explained that you had to have a guitar.

12. I've been clearing out my spam email box.

13. I've spent five months building my own "See through clothes camera" using a home-made X-ray generator - details to be published soon.

So there you are. Please make your choice from any or all of the above. As I say, why start the year with a resolution when you can start it with an excuse?

Hopefully, now I’ve begun again, I'll be posting regularly this year, and replying to all those nice people at BlogCatalog.

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Source: A rather twisted mind.

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Tags: Offbeat, Offbeat+News, Offbeat+Chronicles, Humour, Humor, Excuses, See+through+clothes+camera, X-ray+generator

Stalking Nun Gets Restraining Order [Offbeat News] [Offbeat Humour]

After reports of the Polish clergy being warned that they could be thrown in the slammer for plagiarism, we have news that a chubby-chasing nun has been given a restraining order for harassing a compulsive Internet user.

Sister Alopecia of the Little Sisters of Mercy convent in Salem, Oregon, ran into trouble when a block of flats was built across the street from the convent. From her window Sister Alopecia could see directly into the apartment of George Warburton, one of the residents.

Mr. Warburton, age 37, told Offbeat Chronicles “The Internet began taking over my life two years ago when I was just 144 pounds.”

To start with it was just a normal hobby. George would log on when he got home from work, check his mail and do a bit of social networking. But soon it became the centre of his whole world, and George became an Internet addict.

“Now because I exist solely on junk food and take-aways my weight has gone sky high. Things have gotten so bad that I don't bother to dress and only leave the computer to go to the bathroom. I don't clean up and don't close the curtains. It must have been on one of my visits to the bathroom that the sister spotted me.”

Sister Alopecia said “I've prayed this curse to be taken from me, but I just go all weak at the cloisters when I see a heavy man. I’ve gone to confession, and even sought counselling, but nothing seems to work. I just can’t keep away from the window.”

Police presented the following photographic evidence during the court case.

A chastened Sister Alopecia knelt throughout the proceedings.

George Warburton participated by Internet link.

Let us prey.

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Spoof Alert!

Source: Guardian.co.uk   

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Tags: Offbeat, Offbeat+News, Offbeat+Chronicles, Humour, Humor, Nun, Funny, Spoof, Polish+clergy

Does My Bum Look Big ...... [Offbeat News]

Bobaraba has sparked a dance craze in the Ivory Coast and we want to get to the bottom of it!

Alternative Title: Shake Your Booty

The BBC reports that a national dance craze in Ivory Coast has spawned a black market in treatments claiming to increase one's bottom size.

“However, doctors have warned of the possible dangers of some of the concoctions on sale.”

They should have asked me. I’d have recommended copious amounts of extra-strong lager and kebab suppers.

Meanwhile, a Singaporean professor has pleaded guilty to stealing women's underwear from a university dormitory. Presumably he got some sort of gratification from this behaviour. Now, should have wanted to make a bit of dosh instead, he should have turned his attention to the Ivory Coast. After swiping the knickers of the ladies shown above, he could have sold them on as do-it-yourself tents.

The girls would never had noticed. They’d have been spark out after all that booty-boogieing, lager-drinking and kebab eating.

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Brought to you by Offbeat Chronicles – your source of Offbeat News from an offbeat angle

Tags: Offbeat, Offbeat+News, Offbeat+Chronicles, Bobaraba, Ivory+Coast

The Mouse That Caught A Cold [Offbeat News]

In a bizarre development, although researchers have tried and failed to find a cure for the common cold in the past fifty years, they now claim victory by infecting a mouse.

Our cheese chomping friend here was caught in this picture just before he was about to sneeze.

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I don’t know how much they spent in research, but if they’d have asked, I could have helped out and saved them a few quid.

Why didn’t they invite the mouse to join a few Polish chums sitting in a circle and taking turns to drink vodka from the same glass?

Works a treat. The mouse wouldn’t have only caught a cold, it would have got the mother of all hangovers the next morning. Two research projects for the price of one. Crate of vodka that is.

Ridiculous, I hear you say. Mice are far too timid.

Alright then. Get it to write a blog post in the middle of the night in its underpants, while sipping Alka Seltzer.

Great. Another breakthrough in science – only the researchers haven’t quite worked out how to cure the mouse yet.

I’ve had enough of all this. I’m going to put a vodka shot in my Alka Seltzer and watch this video.

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Tags: Common+cold, Mouse, Alka+Seltzer

Theme Holiday [Offbeat News]

Theme Holiday, Dream Holiday, Ends With Hydrogen Peroxide Enema - What A Pain In The Butt

I was sitting sipping my cup of coffee this morning dreaming of a holiday. So entering in a search string in good old Google, I thought I’d look for something exciting and new. After typing in the string ‘Theme holiday’ I clicked the search button and sat back in anticipation.

Things like Samui Dream Holiday in Thailand, Dream Ireland Holidays and a Barbados Holiday were among the items listed on the search results page.

All very exciting. Some were a little strange for my liking, so you can imagine my dismay when I came across an article a little later when I’d been trawling through the week’s news.

Hydrogen Peroxide Medical Accident

Ooh, I mean that sort of stuff can be nasty. But then – oh – I read on to discover the nature of the incident. Seventeen tourists at a Russian health spa had been given a hydrogen peroxide enema.

What sort of person puts that sort of theme as their top holiday choice?

O.K., the hydrogen peroxide bit had been an accident.

I must say that my heartfelt feelings go out to them. The nearest I’ve come to an experience like that was after a stag night when we’d consumed vast amounts of extra strong lager and buckets of vindaloo curry. Oh, happy days.

Anyway, I am happy to report that all the tourists have recovered from their ordeal and are currently enjoying a thorough good thrashing in the basement recreation room.

Of course, you could consider these people fortunate to be able to afford such an experience.

For many others, it just remains a pipe dream.

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Tags: Holiday, Hydrogen+peroxide, Offbeat, Offbeat+News, Offbeat+Chronicles