Offbeat News - From Offbeat Chronicles

Transvestite Mugs Toddler [Offbeat News] [Offbeat Humour]

If the recent news story about transvestites trying to blackmail footballer Ronaldo wasn't enough to give transvestites a bad image, the incredible story of a toddler being mugged by a transvestite has shocked the general public.

Pensioner Doris Peabody, 76, of Leighton Buzzard, England said, "I thought they were just men with big hands who liked wearing women's clothing. Quite harmless, you know. I never thought they'd stoop to this."

Little Lucy Hargreaves, 3, was playing with big sister Molly, 7, in a playground near her home last Tuesday when a 'person' confronted them. "She was very tall and had long blond hair," Molly said. "There was this terrible smell from her breath, and lipstick smeared on her face, just like when Daddy's been out on a Friday night. And she had stubble on her face and food down her front, just like Daddy on a Saturday morning, when I run downstairs and cuddle up to him on the sofa."

Molly suddenly looked a little sad. "I love my Daddy. I don't know why Mummy doesn't let him in their bed sometimes."

Mum Lynn, 32, quickly intervened taking Lucy under her arm. "Come on silly, the nice man doesn't want to know about all that."

"I've always told her not to talk to strange men," Lynn Hargreaves went on somewhat nervously.

In the incident at the playground, the man staggered out from some bushes and apparently 'wanted his turn on the roundabout', but things took an ugly turn when a pensioner Mrs. Peabody threatened to call the police. The monster wearing a Superman T-shirt and plastic cape muttered something about lager and in an audacious move, made his getaway on little Lucy's bike.

The police have appealed to anyone who saw the incident to contact them. The CCTV footage has been released, but police warned the public not to approach the man whose temperament they described as 'changeable'.

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Source:    Deadspin   

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Spoof alert!

Tags: Offbeat, Offbeat+News, Offbeat+Chronicles, Humour, Humor, Transvestite, Mugger, Spoof, Renaldo

Hooligan Traffic Lights Upside Down Claim [Offbeat News] [Offbeat Humour]

Spoof Alert!

Yesterday we reported on Dutch hooligan Dirnt Giff van Dam who completely wiped out 4 years of work and the efforts of Dutch school children by driving a stolen motorcycle into a replica of a Viking ship.

At the time it looked as if the courts would throw the book at him, but van Dam has brought up what he claims to be extenuating circumstances. Although he admits to having taken the bike he says that it was just a bit of fun and that he would have returned it if it had not been for the police chasing him, and believe it or not IF THE TRAFFIC LIGHTS WERE NOT UPSIDE DOWN!

Van Dam said that he was spooked by the police and shot off down the side streets towards the water front, but when he came to the end of the road he saw the traffic lights and was so confounded and confused that he lost control of the motorcycle.

“I just kept looking at the lights, then this really ugly hooker walked out in front of me”, van Dam said. “The next thing I knew was that the front wheel hit the kerb and I was shot into the ice-cream stick thing”.

Van Dam claims to be the real victim of the incident and says that now even the sound of an ice-cream van bell brings him out in a cold sweat.

After the incident emergency services fished van Dam from the water and he was taken to the local hospital casualty department where he was treated for shock, minor lacerations and five hundred splinters.

When asked by our reporter whether police had taken down his particulars, van Dam said yes, but it was still a sore point.

Van Dam is currently released on police bail awaiting a court hearing.

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Source: Offbeat Chronicles

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Tags: Offbeat, Offbeat+News, Offbeat+Chronicles, Humour, Humor, Dutch, Hooligan, Spoof

Sumo's Girlfriend Piles It On For Her Man [Offbeat News] [Offbeat Humour]

Why Tell The Truth, When You Can Do A Spoof?

While the debate goes on at USA Today about skinny models warping girls’ body image, one girl has piled on the pounds for her man.

Two years ago biker Jenny Hill, a shapely 22–year-old from Albany, Illinois, fell for Sumo wrestling hunk Akihito Takahashi when she was on vacation in Japan.

When Jenny returned to the U.S. the couple kept the relationship going by telephone calls and computer video conversations. Jenny would visit Akihito as often as she could, but last year the two had a crisis when the Sumo champion complained about Jenny’s weight. He actually said that she was too skinny for him. In a row that was blasted over the newspapers, Jenny flew back to Illinois and it looked as if the relationship was over.

Secretly though for the next six months Jenny followed a Sumo diet and quickly went from a svelte size 10 to a whopping size 32. Set to surprise her lover, Jenny booked a flight to Japan, but more problems lay ahead. Because of her new size our love struck heroine couldn’t fit into any of the seats and had to spend an uncomfortable flight in the baggage hold.

Arriving in Takamatsu, Jenny looked a little strained, but it was worth it all when she saw the look on her man’s face. Grinning from ear to ear, Akihito said “I never knew she could look so beautiful”.

Jenny has also been learning Japanese and hopes to move to Japan later in the year to be closer to Akihito. The couple have no definite plans at the moment, but just want to get to know each other again. “I’ll have my hands full stopping my buddies hitting on her,” Akihito joked.

Go on baby, shake that booty.

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Stamp out fattism now! Support the campaign – eat a pie.

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Tags: Offbeat, Offbeat+News, Offbeat+Chronicles, Humour, Humor, Sumo, Japan, Fattism

Armadillo Sex Toy Discovered [Offbeat News] [Offbeat Humour]

Why Tell The Truth, When You Can Do A Spoof?

Alternative Title: Is That A Pocket Watch In Your Pocket, Or Are You Just Pleased To See Me?

We are used to the idea that a number of animals can create tools to help them in their every day lives, which in itself is quite amazing. Researchers have found that creatures such as apes can craft sticks to assist them in retrieving honey from bees’ nests, but it was a total shock to discover that one animal, the armadillo had used its skills to create a sex toy.

Apparently the animals are very sexually active and use sex as a social bonding technique.

All in all, I think that these are wonderful little critters, and would recommend anyone to get one as a pet. There’s a world of fun you can have with the little armoured one. In fact, you could do something different with one every day of the year. If you don’t believe me …… log on to the website: http://www.chadland.com/365dillo.html

Tags: Offbeat, Offbeat+News, Offbeat+Chronicles, Humour, Humor, Armadillo, Sex+toy, Spoof

Pope Lists Eight Social Sins [Offbeat News]

Irresponsible reporting causes red faces at the Vatican

Alternative Title: Catholics In The Picture

In a rushed update to the list of seven deadly sins that the Vatican released previously, a new sin was added. And it now seems that the Vatican Press Office is in turmoil. Too late to stop the release it was discovered that the new sin was introduced due to irresponsible reporting.

It seems that the Vatican picked up on a news report about a camera that could see through clothes, and then prepared an edict that using the camera for gratuitous pleasure was the eighth sin. Linking the camera story to the recent distribution of a misleading picture of nuns, the Vatican saw this as ample evidence that 'the devil’s picture box' must be banned.

The seven social sins are:

1. “Bioethical’ violations such as birth control
2. “Morally dubious” experiments such as stem cell research
3. Drug abuse
4. Polluting the environment
5. Contributing to widening divide between rich and poor
6. Excessive wealth
7. Creating poverty

Pope Benedict XVI wiser, but pictured here obviously happy that his modesty will be maintained.

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Tags: Offbeat, Offbeat+News, Offbeat+Chronicles, Humour, Humor, Pope, Vatican, Camera+sees+through+clothes, Catholic

Links Between Israeli Chocolate Heist And Kremlin [Offbeat News]

Alternative Title: Chocolate Mice – Not So Nice

Links are being made between the news that the guard charged with defending Russian President Vladimir Putin has posted a 21,000-dollar (13,700-euro) tender for a small army of rodents, and the report of the chocolate heist in Israel this week.

Thieves targeted a warehouse in the northern city of Haifa and made off with nearly 100 tons of chocolate spread. After monitoring Russian Internet chatter, armed police officers swooped on a Belgium chocolate shop situated in one of the back streets of Brussels.

Police, so far have only made one arrest, and although she is remaining silently defiant they are convinced that they’ve got the middle woman.

Offbeat Chronicles will keep you posted of further developments.

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Brought to you by Offbeat Chronicles – your source of Offbeat News from an offbeat angle

Tags: Offbeat, Offbeat+News, Offbeat+Chronicles, Humour, Humor, Spoof, Kremlin, Israel, Chocolate