Offbeat News - From Offbeat Chronicles

How To Marshal A Jet Aircraft

This just had to be another one for the category ‘The British Way’.

Enjoy.

'>

Brought to you by Offbeat Chronicles – your source for Offbeat News

Tags: British, Jet+Aircraft

The British Way

Here to launch this new category “The British Way”, are three stories with a British theme. First a British teacher who ‘zapped love rival with stun gun’.

This sort of thing didn’t happen when I was at school.

Read full story

And then there was the story of the policeman caught 'trying to book his holiday' - while investigating a break-in at Thomas Cook (and his car was parked on the pavement!)

A typical example of British resourcefulness and time saving I’d say.

More

And lastly, a British burglary victim voiced disbelief Monday at a thief's "unbelievable" cheek in calling a taxi from her ransacked home to make his getaway.

I don’t know what all the fuss is about. What did they expect, that he should have got a bus? That mode of transport is far too dangerous these days.

Below is shown a picture of a taxi not used by the burglar.

More

Brought to you by Offbeat Chronicles – your source for Offbeat News

Tags: British

Paxman Is Pants

What is this life if full of care

We have no time to stand and stare?

To the point that we can no longer bear

The view of Jeremy and his underwear.

No time to see, when woods we pass,

Where squirrels hide their nuts in grass.

And nearby lying, just by chance

Pants that once covered Jeremy's arse.

In M & S the time is fraught

With anxieties yet unthought

The pants they lie all unbought

They no longer give the right support.

A poor life this, if full of care,

We have no time to stand and stare.

In fact it's quite a sad affair

Of the plight of Jeremy's underwear.

"It's important to remember that we sell underwear to one in four men in

the UK," a spokeswoman told the BBC News website.

Read the article

Brought to you by Offbeat Chronicles – your source for Offbeat News

Tags: Jeremy+Paxman

Buttocks In The News

So I’m sitting here on a grey Sunday afternoon with the TV on in the background. I tuned in late to TMF and the top 40 chart is now at the number 2 position.

I told myself this morning that I had to get a post out, and I had plenty of ideas, and plenty of material. In fact, I’d already chosen the topic.

But somehow, I just kept putting it off. It seemed very reminiscent – all those years ago, of having to do my homework before Monday morning.

So after after a(nother) can of Grolsch Kanon 11.6 lager, and five repetitions of Amy Winehouse’s ‘Love Is A Losing Game’, here we are.

Let’s discuss buttocks.

Firstly I was reading a report this morning on the BBC news online site about US television network ABC being fined $1.4m (£707,000) for airing an episode of NYPD Blue which depicted female nudity.

Hey, and check this out. This dude used to be in Hill Street Blues.

Anyway, back to the story. It’s claimed that the 2003 show had "multiple, close-up views" of a woman's buttocks before the US watershed.

Wow, I need to stop now; I’m starting to have flashbacks. More Here

So, moving on. Builder’s bum. Gross, right. But what’s this woman trying to do to us? She’s invented some gadget to stop this occurring on females.

On women, it’s just cute.

See what I mean?

Well, OK, I suppose it depends on how many extra strong lagers you’ve had.

But here’s something else I’ve found.

• If you support the cause
• If you’re a guy
• If you want to make a statement

Then you can get a T-shirt to do it for you.

Put your order in at http://www.tuskasurf.co.uk/buildersbumhome.htm

Me? I’ve missed the number 1 release for this week.

I’m switching over to MTV.

Tags: Britney, Carmen+Electra, Buttocks

Women Are Smarter

A recent study by Adrian Furnham of University College London as reported in Newsweek shows that men aren’t smarter than women.

Well, I’d go one step further than that based on the recent Goth story of a young lady taking up the full-time post of ‘pet’. Women are smarter.

Her ‘owner’ – Dani say’s he “does everything" for his girlfriend, including laying out clothes for her, feeding her and cleaning their house.

The bitch – I’m mean pet – Tasha spends her day being pampered and petted.

Here’s a challenge, guys, just you try getting a deal like that!

There are a whole lot more pictures of this daffy duo at the Sun which leads me to believe that they might have been paid a handsome sum for this insight into their relationship.

And how were they catapulted into the limelight in the first place, you might ask? Well it all started when a bus driver refused to allow Tasha and Dani on to a bus. Hey, smart move, dude.

Yesterday, I reported that Stagecoach, the bus company has published a manual for passengers instructing them on How to get on a bus. Maybe somebody ought to publish one for bus employees on how to treat their passengers.

How to get on a bus: idiot's guide published

An idiot’s guide explaining how to get on and off a bus has been produced for people who have a phobia of public transport.

According to Stagecoach, which has created the step-by-step manual, a large proportion of Britain’s population are now so used to travelling by car that they have become scared of buses.

How to get on a bus: idiot's guide published - Telegraph.

All the information is positive and upbeat. It was decided to try to offer reassurance and build confidence, so some of the content of the first draft has been omitted in the final publication.

Our reporter discovered that sections such as ‘What to do if the driver falls asleep’ and ‘Don’t be judgemental – your driver needs love too’ have been axed.

Our advice on handling such matters is to act calmly but decisively.

For the first situation ask “Are you all right?” then if necessary grasp the steering wheel firmly and take control of the bus. More details at: http://mdn.mainichi.jp/national/news/20080115p2a00m0na002000c.html

In the second situation ask “Are you all right? Your eyes appear to have glazed over.” Offer reassurance and tell the driver “Please continue to the terminus, but let me off first – I think this young lady needs escorting home. http://www.metro.co.uk/weird/article.html?in_article_id=81114&in_page_id=2

Empire State Building car zap mystery

To launch the new category ‘We Are Not Alone’, I thought I’d make it easy for myself and link to a report in the Daily News which features a story about the Empire State Building.

Apparently, spooky things are happening to cars within a five-block radius of the building.

Read More

Tags: Empire+State+Building, We+Are+Not+Alone, Bermuda+Triangle

Pick Of The Week

Mid Suffolk District Council recently had its best efforts to promote a tourist attraction thwarted by a little girl.

The council commissioned a pamphlet to encourage tourists to enjoy the beauty of Thornham Walks. In a photo showing children dressed in Easter outfits, a little girl can be spotted picking her nose.

The story is taken from the Daily Telegraph, but unfortunately the picture of the pamphlet page in question is rather small. To recreate the effect for you, our correspondent has trawled the web to find a suitable substitute, finally selecting one from yarn.junkie.

Now fascinated by this subject of nose-picking, I began to research using the terms ‘picking’ and ‘pick’.

I came across such articles as ‘How to Pick Your Nose Inconspicuously’ and ‘Stop Nose Picking Hypnosis’.

But I quickly became distracted and totally lost interest when I came across the Pick The Hottie website.

This is a truly inspirational site, where one’s judgement and sense of conviction are constantly challenged.

In fact, I’ll see you there in two minutes.

Love At First Sight

Lisa Mulcahy tells how a girl can show a guy that she likes him while still being subtle.

“Showing a boy you like him in a very subliminal way eliminates any potential for embarrassment--it's not like you're writing him a gushy note that he could show to his buds or post on the Internet. Dropping hints rather than shouting it out also puts the ball nicely in your crush's court. He'll be all curious and intrigued if you play things low-key and if he digs you back, he'll show it by chatting you up. Here's our tried-and-true list of smooth moves....”

Lisa goes on to provide her step by step guide, and you can catch it here:

http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m0IBX/is_4_10/ai_n6063391

Fortunately, we guys learn how to show admiration at a very young age without much help.

The Crying Game

I think it’s not fair, I think it’s a shame,

But we all end up in the crying game.

Like the tears of a clown, or one in a pillory,

No one is exempt, not even our friend Hillary.

We cry when we’re happy, we cry when we’re sad,

We cry at heroics and the deeds of the bad,

It’s deep in our nature, but maybe because,

We see our friend Hillary in the Wizard of Oz.

'>

 

Skinny People

After months of obscurity, I’ve emerged at the beginning of 2008 to offer my next posting.

It was probably that last post about fat people and overeating that caused me to retire into seclusion to concentrate on diet and exercise.

Well, it didn’t work. But more likely it was a heavy workload, a dodgy notebook and a psychotic anti-virus program that kept churning away in the background, all the time hinting at infections.

Then we were running into the festive season, so there didn’t seem much point in firing up again, but:

Christmas is over, and I’ve got fat,

The goose has been eaten, and so has the cat,

When I look in the mirror I feel like a tw*t,

I resemble that chunky one in the pop group Take That.

So this week will see the eating of the last of the chocolates and the biscuits (I don’t usually eat them) given as presents.

As we stumble forth this year, if you’re interested in diet stuff ‘Midnight Raider’ has a few tips for you in this post:

http://www.refrigeratorraid.com/2006/06/eat_like_the_sk.html

If you don’t really care about all that stuff and are into Internet dating, here’s one way of presenting a better image of yourself:

'>

But I’ve decided I’m not concerned about skinny people, so let’s finish off with a girl that could give you a hug and break a few of your ribs in the process.

Any takers?

Get to the back of the queue.

'>