My Wife The Goat

Offbeat Chronicles can report that a Sudanese man, Mr. Tombe from Hai Malakal in Upper Nile State has recently married a goat.

Mr. Tombe has never been married before, but Mrs. Tombe has been twice married and has a number of kids, although none currently live with her. Strangely enough, both of her previous husbands were called Billy. Although both the husbands were horny, they gave the reason for leaving Jasmine as feeling trapped and being ‘in the same old rut’.

Speaking through an interpreter Mr. Tombe told Offbeat Chronicles ’This is the real thing. Jasmine is the one for me.’

Tombe went on to say ‘She was particularly beautiful, his goat, with a gleaming coat of silver threads and small wooden wheels instead of hooves. But people frowned on overt goat love, even in the remote village of Sunrise, and Yuhan was forced to keep his love hidden, both literally and figuratively.’

We suspect something has got lost in the translation.

When we told Mr. Tombe that our research had indicated that his wife had a rather colourful past and had reportedly had an affair with three Frenchmen, there was a lot of commotion on the other end of the phone.

The interpreter explained Mr. Tombe had indicated that he wished me the following:

“May the fleas of a thousand camels lodge in you armpit.

May the snails devour your corpse, and the rains do harm worse. May the devil your hairy body soon.

Woe to you, you dirty fellow. You've filthied me!

Derangement and madness on your mind come soon.

A child be within you forever unborn.”

With that the phone went dead.

I wasn’t too worried about the curses at first. I mean ‘deranged and mad’ who me? But I’m hoping that this little swelling in my stomach is just the start of a beer-belly after the festivities of Easter.