Offbeat News - From Offbeat Chronicles

Condom Testers Wanted

There was an old quip about the best job being a test pilot in a condom factory.

And many subscribe to the view that positive thinking can conjure up the things that you most desire.

I reckon there must be a whole lot of dudes out there with prayer wheels chanting mantras from morning to night, because I’ve just read that the company Durex has set up a recruitment drive for condom testers.

And if that’s not good enough there’s an opportunity for the more flamboyant of you to really show off.

Why not try the musical condom and really let your talent loose.

Eat Your Greens

Since we’ve been kids, we’ve been advised to ‘eat our greens’. I was reading an article in yesterday’s BBC News online which seems to confirm this. It suggested that taking vitamin supplements could possibly do more harm than good, and that a balanced diet was the better option.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/6399773.stm

http://offbeatchronicles.vnunetblogs.com/offbeat_chronicles/2007/02/captain_codpiec.html

http://www.courttv.com/news/2006/1228/broccoli_ap.html

http://www.cartoonstock.com/directory/e/eat_your_greens.asp

http://www.meetyourgreens.com/

And should you by chance not fancy eating your greens alone, you might feel like checking this site out. Subscription is free, and if you’re lucky you could find someone to help with the washing up.

I had to put all this stuff first in case you thought that I was just eager to post a picture of a scantily-clad female.

Well you were right, and here she is - Alicia Mayer wearing nothing but lettuce leaves to promote the cause of PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals).

And this has just inspired me to start up my own movement - BAPS (Babes APpreciation Society). I’ll get on to it right after this post.

While I was doing a bit of research I came across this cartoon site, so we might as well have a smile.

But I think that the emphasis should be on the word balanced, obviously something that this chap hadn’t quite got the grasp of.

I don’t think that you could get more of a balanced diet than the recipe I highlighted in my post ‘Captain Codpiece’.

What A Scot Wears Under His Kilt

Looks like the Scots have been making a stir in Poland recently. Some of the more extrovert after consuming a few bevvies have been taking to flashing the locals.

So you might wonder what the Scots are doing in Poland and would also like to know what they really do wear under their kilts.

To get the answer to the second question click on the link and all will be revealed.

Well we know it gets a bit nippy north of the border this time of year, so my theory is that some of the less hardy might want a bit of protection from the elements should the old kilt succumb to bit of updraught.

And if you’re going to resort to wearing kecks, then you might as well do it in style and pop off to Poland for a rather special type of undie.

Just one last thing. Before you all go off to book your flights, make sure you don’t go anywhere near Zakopane.

You could run into Tadeus Konopizc mid-flash, and he might just think you’re offering to be a donor.

Reasons Not To Fly

Hanging around airport departure lounges because of delays, having your luggage go missing, setting off the alarm at the security checkpoint, that’s all bad enough, but just imagine this little scenario.

You’ve finally boarded the plane, it’s taken off without incident and you drop off into a light sleep.

Gradually though you become aware of a smell and your doze is interrupted. It’s not nice at all. You open one eye and the woman sitting next to you goes beetroot red.

To save her further embarrassment you turn the other way only to witness the guy on that side urinating into a sick bag.

Before you can remonstrate with him, the dead woman next to him slides off her seat.

If you don’t believe me .......

The one that got away

When you've got to go, you've got to go

RIP

Home, Sweet Home

Well, it’s been a tough week, and I was glad to get back last night and relax in my own home.

Lying back on the sofa, with a can of extra strong lager by my side watching the Comic Relief programmes. What could be better?

But you can takes things too far with the love of your home, just like this woman who wanted to top her son because she couldn’t stand living with him anymore. She even set up a contract killing.

If I’ve read this right, she’s supposed to be “a 42-year-old crane operator”

Her plan failed, but I don’t expect she’ll be getting any Mother’s day cards this year.

Now this is more up my street. “Ashlee Simpson is turning her new home into a private discotheque and work-out space after creating her very own nightclub in one room.”

But if you want some serious house cred and you could rake the bucks up, this would be my choice.

Vlad the Impaler’s old haunt (get it?) is on the market.

Oh yes, I can see it now. Bach organ music piped through the sound system and Goth babes draped about the place. And that cape you bought from the Oxfam shop for Red Nose Day - well you could wear it all year round.

Mohawk

Oh, joy.

When you've been up against it all day, and haven't been able to get out a post you just need a little help.

And here it is.

The first offering is a lady who's been a bit naughty in the drink and driving department. But she takes a  lovely picture.

And if you want to read about it: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/news/worldnews.html?in_article_id=442015&in_page_id=1811

Thank You St. Patrick

Seeing as we’re coming up to St. Paddy’s day I thought I’d do something with an Irish theme, and what more Irish can you get than Guinness?

I did the once over on a few sites and then came upon this stuff at Answers.com (although I think they get most of the material directly from Wikipedia).

There’s a host of information here. It should even prove of interest to those who unlike me are not fans of the ‘black stuff’.

What really took my attention was “Despite its reputation as a "meal in a glass" or "liquid bread", Guinness only contains 198 calories (838 kilojoules) per imperial pint (20oz UK) (1460 kJ/L), fewer than an equal-sized serving of  skimmed milk or orange juice and most other non-light beers.”

But the bad news is that it isn’t the ideal source for your daily iron requirements. “Contrary to popular belief, Guinness is not a good source of iron, containing only 0.3 mg per pint. Given that the RDA (recommended dietary allowance) of iron is between 11 mg and 18 mg, the amount contained in a pint of Guinness is trivial. In comparison, a bowl of weetabix contains 4.2mg of iron, meaning that a person would have to drink 14 pints of Guinness to get the same amount of iron contained in one bowl of Weetabix.)”

Well, that’s sorted my breakfast out - a couple of Weetabix floating in Guinness should see me through the day.

I’ll leave you with this.

"In the 1993 film Mrs. Doubtfire, Mrs. Doubtfire tells the story of how her husband died. She describes that he was "quite fond of the drink. It was the drink that killed him," to which Sally Field replied, "He was an alcoholic?" Mrs Doubtfire retorted, "No, he was hit by a Guinness truck.”"

Train Overcrowding

The UK government has promised to provide more train carriages to combat the current overcrowding problems.

The situation is particularly critical in south-east England and the promise was made after the shock release of this photo of the 8:35 from Southend to Fenchurch Street.

Picture courtesy of carcino.gen.nz

Sexual Indiscretion

Ever woken up and then thought ‘Oh, no’, as you gradually remember things that you wish had not happened?

Yeah, well there are a few dudes here that must have experienced that feeling recently.

First is a Polish pensioner who thought he'd get some free booty. Well, that’s up to him, but you would think that at his age he wouldn’t be so naïve as to agree to get it by appearing on a porn DVD film. The makers told him that they would pixelate his face and he believed them. Now he’s trying to sue them. I’d just get back under the covers if I were him.

Then there’s the Israeli ambassador to El Salvador who was found drunk and naked apart from some bondage gear.

The BBC online news reports that “he was able to identify himself to police only after a rubber ball had been removed from his mouth”.

If he had ended up in an El Salvador jail, the ball gag might not have been the only thing that needed to be removed.

My suggestion would be to follow my advice of yesterday and think up a really good excuse.... like he’d recently become a convert to Catholicism and now is an avid follower of Opus Dei.

But the tw*t of the week award must go to a 30-year-old Briton, who is serving a three-month jail term for patting an UAE national airport employee's buttocks.

Well, you’d have to be pretty good on the old excuses front to get out of this one, but then again I seem to be discovering a new talent.

What about claiming that he was only reading the person’s future by feeling their buttocks.

Anybody want a reading?

P.S. Male dudes need not apply.

Happy Slap

There’s a new law in France targeting Happy Slappers. The law makes it illegal to film any acts of violence and post the offending images or videos online.

Of course back in UK, the home of the Happy Slap you’re still free to get on with a good kicking while being the star of your own show.

Well, you’re free until you’re caught - if you’re caught. So why not pull your hood up over your bonce, just to help you stay in business a bit longer? And if you think hoodies have had a bit of bad press lately you could always try to persuade this dude to give the hood a better profile.

Kevin Lambert has taken to wearing a ski mask in public places in an attempt to dispel the bad image that bank robbers, terrorists and prowlers have given it. Lambert has even launched a Web site dedicated to "Striving to keep America Warm By Combating Ski Mask Discrimination."

It seems that even mums are getting in to all this slapping thing. A US woman allegedly drove her son to a fight with another boy, where she cheered him on as he got stuck into his opponent. Renee Ann Honnold, the mum in question was arrested over the incident.

Well the victim should consider himself lucky that he wasn’t this snorkeler who got a pasting from a whale’s tail after bumping into her calf.

The guy says that he intends to continue diving. Doesn’t this idiot know that the proper place to observe wildlife is on the telly, while lounging on the sofa sipping your extra strong lager and munching your way through a family-sized pack of cheese and onion crisps?

But if this hasn’t put you off and you get caught you could always take a leaf out of this next guy’s book and come up with a really good excuse.

A UK man accused of stealing underwear from a shop disguised in a wig, hat and glasses says he thought he was a female elf at the time.

Got to go, chums. There’s a wildlife programme coming up on the telly.

Burning A Hole In My Pajamas

This little gem caught my attention earlier today: “Hole in pajamas reveals Internet plagiarism”.

It reports on candidates for British Universities taking material from the web and passing it off as their own, with one piece in particular proving a favourite: "burning a hole in pajamas at age eight". The source piece apparently “describes an early encounter with a chemistry set”.

This set me off thinking. Did this mishap occur one Christmas morning? Had Santa left the mini lab on the young sprog’s bed and upon wakening the little chap had set about experimentation with no thought or care for body or pajamas? Why else would he be in his pajamas?

I suppose of course that this unfortunate lad may have gradually worked his way through all his trousers with experiment after experiment, until he had nothing else to wear but his jim-jams.

I must admit, I’ve nearly burnt a hole in my pajamas on many an occasion with just the simplest of ingredients - like five cans of extra strong lager and a curry supper - but that’s another story.

I remember when I was a kid trying to set fire to my brother’s trousers with the aid of a magnifying glass and the rays of the sun. All jolly good fun - especially when he was still wearing them. Oh, happy days.

Oh what stupid things we do. Man may have discovered fire, but he hasn’t conquered it, just like this tw*t here. The poor sod after having set fire to his genitals is in hospital awaiting a skin graft. Or did I hear them say four-skin grafts? The authorities say it is unlikely that he’ll be penalised.

Apparently after the incident he can’t bear to hear the song ‘Light My Fire’ and has been completely cured of his addiction to roasted nuts.

I thought you spelt ‘pajamas’ as ‘pyjamas’. Looks like all these potential University students aren’t only copy cats - they can’t spell either.

Herman The German

What's with all these German dudes lately?

Herman the German - that's what I'll call the guy as his name isn't given. This geezer only goes and karate kicks an 8-year old taking part in a football match. Fortunately though, Herman didn't injure his foot in the incident.

You don't think he could be that clown in civvies do you? You know the one that kicked and punched a 12-year-old boy to the floor because he threw confetti at him.

If they aren't the same person, then they might think of joining forces and setting up an agency. Slap-A-Brat sounds like a good name. You know, then you could arrange a contract slapping for that little sod up the road who keeps throwing stones at your cat.

I'm just off to do a bit more research. Maybe I can find a phone number.

Who said cats can't smile?

Big Money

Just read in the news of Heather Mill's £10,000-a-day divorce demand and the claim that it would put her on the same income as Wayne Rooney. That really put me off my cornflakes. Nevertheless, I stared hard into the bowl to see whether I could divine my fortune.

Under my scrutiny the milk seemed to swirl slightly (although to be fair it had been on the turn last night). A couple of soggy flakes took my attention, but all I could get was a rough image of someone looking like me taking the empties back.

So in a kind of twisted bitterness I decided to see who else out there was rolling in dosh, and was surprised to discover that the Harry Potter geezer Daniel Radcliffe came in at number two in Forbes magazine's "Hollywood's Top Earning Stars Under 21" list.

Well that put me off my toast, and even the thought of Guinness Marmite couldn't bring my appetite back.

Now in a spiral of despair I went on to read how Michael Jackson was clawing his way back with two exclusive fan events in Tokyo this week. At Thursday's VIP party, guests would be paying $3,500 to attend - and Jacko wasn't even obligated to perform.

I thought this a pretty poor show, so I immediately logged onto Pay Wizard to check whether the earnings were correct. Unfortunately they didn't seem to have a category for Superstar so I switched over a bit sharpish to Money Makes The World Go Round. There was a bit of blurb at the beginning which to be quite honest I didn't really read. I just skipped down to the quotes and gained particular solace from this one "You can only drink thirty or forty glasses of beer a day, no matter how rich you are" - Aldolphus Busch. (He's obviously not part of the darts fraternity).

Got to go now. I have to check down the back of the sofa.

Bottom Line News

Keeping with the anal retentive theme, I can report that an Iraqi man sparked a security scare at Los Angeles International Airport on Tuesday when it was found that he had a magnet with wires connected to it hidden up his rectum.

When asked why he had stuffed the magnet up his bum he explained that he couldn't get hold of a grenade and using a potato would be against his religious beliefs.

The facts only came to light after a man with a metal plate in his head stooped behind the Iraqi to tie his shoe lace and suddenly found his head up the Iraqi's arse.

It took three security guards and a cattle prod to detach the two men. The man with the metal skull who passed out during the incident later said he thought that he'd died and gone to hell.

The Iraqi who is currently in jail has made a request for a battery. He will be charged later.

The Inflatable Pub

Where would I put it? Don't know.

Where would I store it? Don't know.

How could I afford it? I'd sell my grandmother - or yours.

BUT I WANT ONE

The inflatable pub.

There are four models ranging in price from £4,379 to £16,500.

Maybe I could get one and live in it during the summer.

Read more

Welsh Curry

This must be the ultimate take-away.

A music promotion company has ordered a meal from a curry house in Wales, United Kingdom, for rapper Kanye West.

Kanye and seven guest will consume the feast at a meeting on Wednesday. What makes this significant is that the meeting is to take place in Manhattan.

The meal will be prepared, frozen and then flown to New York, and that’s going to cost a bob or two.

I not sure how the onion bhajees will turn out after the trip though.

And what should they wash it down with?

Several pints of Guinness I reckon. From St. James’s Gate, Dublin of course.

Read More

Explosive News

I just created a new category - Behind The News - which is very appropriate for today’s post.

You’ve probably read of the old dear living in a town near Naples who found a live grenade nestling in a sack of spuds.

All I hope is that the potatoes weren’t imported from San Salvador (OK, allow me a little poetic license here).

After a security clampdown in an El Salvador jail, guards discovered that an inmate had stuffed a grenade up his ...... backside.

It seems that it was part of an escape plan, not a novel way to top himself. And had it gone off, I reckon the sensation would have only been slightly worse than that of mine the other morning after I’d consumed several strong lagers and a curry prepared by my Thai friend the night before.