Offbeat News - From Offbeat Chronicles

Jenna When She Was Hot

Recently I posted an article reporting on Jenna Jameson's 'new look'.

Very unfortunate indeed, but here's a reminder of how she used to look.

Stormy Daniels For President

The booming porn industry faces new challenges from increased video piracy, amateur and celebrity videos and the vivid imagery of HDTV, which can be unflattering for some of the industry's biggest stars.

Read story: http://abclocal.go.com/kgo/story?section=bizarre&id=5068351

One For The Ladies

Leigh Anne Jasheway shares some of her views on life.

http://www.pinksunrise.com:80/life/jasheway3.htm

Clown's Wedding

I was just thinking about yesterday’s post about the fighting clown, and I fell into a little reverie.

I imagined a circus family and of a clown falling in love with a tightrope walker. She falls for him too (groan) and they decide to get married. Of course the wedding will have to be in the circus ring, not in a church.

After months of preparation the big day finally comes. All the circus family is there in the big top. All in shining and bright costumes.

The tightrope walker rides in on a white horse with a plumed headdress. (I’m not rewriting that. OK, they’ve both got on plumed headdresses. It’s just a story, after all).

The tightrope walker dismounts and climbs onto a rope set six feet above the ground. She walks her away slowly along it to the end where the minister is waiting, and then just balances there.

Suddenly there’s a sound of an explosion and a little car with the clown in it enters the ring.

He drives up to the minister and stops and when he gets out the car door falls off.

He’s got his best baggy checked suit on and his nose is shiny red.

The minister starts the proceedings and all eyes are on the beautiful tightrope walker as she sways slightly on the wire and says ‘I do’.

The minister next turns to the clown and asks him to solemnly make his vow.

There is a hushed silence, as the crowd wait for the clown’s response.

And then someone throws confetti.

Clowning Around

A clown kicked and punched a 12-year-old boy to the floor because he threw confetti at him, reports have claimed.

Bernd Kalster, 47, has insisted he was only defending himself during a clash at a circus in Leipzig, Germany.

Read story: http://news.sky.com/skynews/article/0,,91059-1252574,00.html

Woman's Screams

In a recent post I highlighted the difficulties that a lonely guy might find himself in and gave some well-intended advice.

It reminded me of a situation I found myself in a while ago when travelling back on a night ferry from Europe to good old Blighty.

In the middle of the night I was awoken by the sound of a woman screaming and shouting and banging on my cabin door.

I tried to ignore it, but it went on for the best part of half an hour.

In the end I just had to get up and let her out.

A Warning To Lonely Guys

Sometimes on those long lonely winter nights, the thought of making up another batch of marmalade or crocheting underpants just doesn't cut the mustard.

And if I guy should seek solace in a video of the adult entertainment variety, he might be forgiven. But I've got a piece of advice.

Either:

1. Keep the volume low.
2. Wear headphones.
3. Make sure you've got strong locks on your doors.

One guy got a nasty shock recently and suffered damage to both his reputation and his front door.

If you don't believe me http://www.allheadlinenews.com/articles/7006544677

Two Britney Spears Please

There's a lot in the news about poor old Britney lately, and the interest doesn't seem anywhere near like subsiding. You don't have to do much digging to find something. For instance in one news piece it states that ""....they are in the public eye so when they hit bottom it's for all the world to see," said Dr. Howard Samuels, executive director of the Wonderland Treatment Center."

And it gets even worse "Indeed, the world has witnessed months of Spears' heavy drinking and partying and public appearances without underwear."

I just hope she's wearing underwear when they're hitting bottom. Nah, not really.

If you don't believe me http://cbs2.com/topstories/local_story_051154001.html

Of course Britney has also been adopted by the mockneys, that despicable band of reprobates who affect the accent and dialect of Eastend Londoners. And the newest recruits create their own gems of rhyming slang. So two Britney Spears would be two beers.

And for once I can find something good to say about Will Self due to his mockery of the mockneys in his novel The Book Of Dave. So moving on swiftly.

I'll leave you with more of Britney (and her knickers). Warning: this is not for the faint-hearted!

http://showbiz.sky.com/showbiz/picture_gallery/0,,50004-1242878-1,00.html

Email Addiction

Does this sound like someone you know?

Apparently, a new recovery programme is being set up to help people addicted to email. In an article in today's online Telegraph it is reported that "One of her clients could not walk by a computer — her own or anyone else's — without checking for messages. Another had 3,600 emails in his inbox".

Both by necessity and design I have a number of email accounts, and on occasions I have been known to send from one to another just to check that a specific account was still working, especially if I was expecting a message.

The article also goes on to state that "Research by King's College London says addiction to email is doubly worrying because such technology depletes cognitive abilities more rapidly than drugs."

I must admit I was getting a bit worried by now, so I went to look up 'cognitive' in the dictionary, but after ten minutes I still couldn't work out what they were getting at.

Be afraid, be very afraid.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2007/02/21/nemail21.xml&DCMP=EMC-new_21022007

Cromarty Fisher Dialect

Stomach's feeling a bit dodgy this morning and I can't think why, unless it was that left-over bit of chilli Christmas pudding I had before going to bed last night. That might explain the strange dreams. In one I was being chased round Asda by a Welsh woman with a huge pencil and writing pad under her arm.

But that's another story.

I was reading in the news today that there are a couple of old Scottish geezers that are the last to speak something called Cromarty fisher dialect.

It came into being by Scottish fishermen picking up words from English soldiers and the piece states "The fishermen adopted formal words ........., but also mispronunciations, substituting "erring" for "herring" and "hears" for "ears".

Well, I can inform you that there is no need for concern. The Cromarty fisher dialect is alive and well in Essex.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk:80/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2007/02/21/ndialect21.xml&DCMP=EMC-new_21022007

Red Hot Chili Peppers

This is a post on why I recently spelt chili as chilli. If you expected something about the Red Hot Chili Peppers band follow these links:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Red_Hot_Chili_Peppers

http://www.redhotchilipeppers.com/

So why did I? The simple answer is because I can. There seem to be three recognised spellings - chile, chilli and chile. I like beer and I like chilis, but I don’t like them together as in chile beer. One of my worst chilli experiences (and I’ve had some, believe me) was being given a bottle of chili beer one Sunday morning. It burnt my gullet and gave me hiccoughs.

Normally I wouldn’t have bothered to mention this, but I came across a post today on chilis on a rather splendid site, so I thought that this would be a way to introduce it.

The blog is 'Human Under Construction' and is owned by a young lady called Jennifer Jordan, who apparently is nobody’s weasel, whatever that means.

In her post of 19th February she reports on the hottest chili pepper on the planet.

I think I'll pass on that one and stick to my bottle of sweet chilli sauce.

Check This Out

This is a post on why I recently spelt chili as chilli. If you expected something about the Red Hot Chili Peppers band follow these links:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Red_Hot_Chili_Peppers

http://www.redhotchilipeppers.com/

So why did I? The simple answer is because I can. There seem to be three recognised spellings - chile, chilli and chile. I like beer and I like chilis, but I don’t like them together as in chile beer. One of my worst chilli experiences (and I’ve had some, believe me) was being given a bottle of chili beer one Sunday morning. It burnt my gullet and gave me hiccoughs.

Normally I wouldn’t have bothered to mention this, but I came across a post today on chilis on a rather splendid site, so I thought that this would be a way to introduce it.

The blog is 'Human Under Construction' and is owned by a young lady called Jennifer Jordan, who apparently is nobody’s weasel, whatever that means.

In her post of 19th February she reports on the hottest chili pepper on the planet.

I think I'll pass on that one and stick to my bottle of sweet chilli sauce.

Captain Codpiece

Captain Codpiece or how Quillers saved my bacon (I mean fish fingers).

Dear readers - I mean reader (thanks, mum). You may know that the kitchen isn't my favourite place, and I seldom venture near the 'hot thing'. My theory is if God had intended you to cook he wouldn't have created take-away outlets.

But sometimes I do get cravings for vittles (oh, that's such a more interesting sounding word than food, don't you think) you can't get in your local pizza palace.

So I've got several reecipes that I might share with you if you're lucky. And the first one is inspired by a recent post on fish fingers by Quillers. That reminds me. Did you hear the one about an (insert here as appropriate - Irishman, Belgium, Polak, etc.) who bought land in Alaska so that he could start a farm growing frozen vegetables?

But back to the reecipe:

Take out a packet of frozen cream spinach from the cold thing and empty the contents into a pan.

Shove that on the hot thing and put the dial down low.

Now the tricky bit - get an onion and remove the skin - and while you're doing that don't cut your finger and don't forget about the spinach, give it a stir now and again. Cut the onion in half and then each half into eight segments.

Shove the onion bits in with the spinach and give it all a good stir round, put the lid on the pot and leave on a low heat.

Go back to the cold thing and take out a packet of fish fingers, and put them under the grill. I've got a thing called an air grill, which makes a lovely whirring noise and lets you see the little critters cooking.

Next take a can of extra strong lager, yank on the ring-pull making sure you don't rip your fingernail off. Now slowly empty the contents into your gob over a twenty minute period while the fish fingers are cooking.

Take a crusty roll, slice it open and put loads of butter on it. And don't cut your finger.

Go back to the spinach and onion and taking the sweet chilli sauce you keep next to the extra strong lager, shove in a good splodge.

Now the extra strong lager should have kicked in and you're likely to spill most of your creation on the floor while serving up, so it's a good idea to double the quantity of the basic ingredients.

Get the biggest plate you can find (a pizza plate's ideal), scoop everything onto it, head for the couch, switch on the TV and enjoy.

Coming soon - cheesy peas and garlic bread.

Disclaimer: Don't try this sort of thing at home unless you've had plenty of extra strong lager. The fish fingers will be burnt on one side and raw on the other because you've been daydreaming about the new girl that's moved in up the road and forgotten to turn them.

Chitty Chitty Bang Bang

You like me probably associate the term 'Chitty Chitty Bang Bang' with the song from the film of the same name. You probably also associate it with the car in that film. For a more interesting adult explanation of that term, just read the very last paragraph of the article. Next time you hear the song, you'll think of it in a completely new light.

read more | digg story

Jenna Jameson - Not Hot

Yesterday I posted a piece about the problems facing porn stars. Well, today I can report another - cosmetic surgery.

They say beauty's only skin deep, but I beg to differ. Personality and bone structure last even after the wrinkles begin to appear.

This is another of those reports for the not faint of heart. I'm just glad I didn't see this before going to bed last night.

Have I Got Old News For You

OK, I should have been on the ball and got this stuff a couple of days ago, but I still think it's worth an airing. According to an article in the online Telegraph, Catholics are encouraged when looking for love to look to Saint Raphael. Click here for more on that.

Queen Victoria - A Little Known Fact

It is a little known fact that Queen Victoria actually started out life as Sydney Hardcastle from the Clerkenwell district of London, demonstrating just where hard work and imagination can get you.

One of the most famous phrases attributed to him - 'We are not amused' - was actually first uttered by a shocked Prince Albert at about 10:30 on the couple's wedding night. Queen Sydney (as he was referred to by the servants) later adopted it as his own, much to the chagrin of Albert. As the song goes: If loving you is wrong, I don't want to be right. But to be fair, the marriage was quite a loveless one - a sham lived out to please the hoi polloi.

The couple's first child was born to a surrogate mother called Donna May from Connecticut. The infant was smuggled into the country in a clipper carrying molasses and rejected Dickens novels.

To be continued.

Why?

Why is everybody beating me to my own material?

This really happened a few years ago when I was working on a project in Belgium.

The client had arranged a meeting to pull all the resources together. There were three people in the room.

The client said 'Nitehawk get the text sorted out and you will do the graphics.'

I said 'You want me to do the graphics as well?'

He said 'No, aren't you listening. Yu will do the graphics'.

Hey, I'm a lazy boy, I'll let the clip explain it.

Return Of The Zombies

I woke this morning feeling like I'd been the one thrown off Nicole Kidman's car. (It's old news I know, but give me a break). And all day I've been walking round like a zombie. Anyway, Nitehawk has ripped-off managed to obtain actual footage of the incident, just in case you were interested.

http://link.brightcove.com/services/link/bcpid353549946/bctid452310369

And while we're on the subject .......

Well, I'd say that was offbeat, but I'm really getting in to it. Posted by frith77 on YouTube. http://www.youtube.com/profile?user=frith77

And now for today's history lesson.

http://www.45-rpm.org.uk/dirz/zombies.htm