Offbeat News - From Offbeat Chronicles

Reasons Why I Haven't Posted [Offbeat News] [Offbeat Humour]

Firstly, let me wish you a Happy New Year. I haven’t posted for an exceptionally long time. So rather than give a reason, I thought I'd give a number of reasons, and let you select one yourself.

So here we go.

Excuses for not posting:

1. I was captured by white slave traders at a Belgian ferry terminal and sold into slavery as a sex toy for a tribe of Amazonian female warriors - I wish.

2. I was abducted by aliens and subjected to experiments by their women. See a theme developing here?

3. I hit my head and lost my memory. After checking my email and finding my name to be Nitehawk, I climbed onto the roof at midnight and attempted to fly into my neighbour's garden.

4. I spent five months in hospital (see excuses 3, 5, 6 and 7).

5. After a particularly festive night, I decided to heed the 'Don't drink and drive' rule and cycled ten miles home, not realising that someone had stolen my saddle.

6. I bought a whole bunch of helium-filled balloons to take to the local children's hospital, and ended up in Buenos Aires.

7. Having read about the hottest chili in the world, I went down to my local Indian restaurant and ordered a dish.

8. I got accidentally locked in the changing rooms of the local women's lingerie shop.

9. I ran away to the circus.

10. I got a job at a strip club helping the girls into their costumes. It was ten euros an hour. Not a lot I know - but it was all I could afford.

11. After reading Eric Clapton's biography, locked myself away in my room to become a guitar hero. Unfortunately, I didn't get to the bit where it explained that you had to have a guitar.

12. I've been clearing out my spam email box.

13. I've spent five months building my own "See through clothes camera" using a home-made X-ray generator - details to be published soon.

So there you are. Please make your choice from any or all of the above. As I say, why start the year with a resolution when you can start it with an excuse?

Hopefully, now I’ve begun again, I'll be posting regularly this year, and replying to all those nice people at BlogCatalog.

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Source: A rather twisted mind.

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Tags: Offbeat, Offbeat+News, Offbeat+Chronicles, Humour, Humor, Excuses, See+through+clothes+camera, X-ray+generator

Off To England (Again)

Hi dudes and dudettes.

Nitehawk is currently away on another trip to England, so there won’t be any new posts for a while (not that there have been any to speak of in the past few weeks).

As I stated previously, please browse through the old posts, and don’t forget to visit the blogs I’ve got listed here for some great stuff. Humour and jokes galore.

And if you're not of a nervous disposition, you could always check out Static at Krapsody for an extravaganza of insanity.

Thanks for the visit. See you in a couple of weeks.

What Is A Friend? [Offbeat News] [Offbeat Humour]

What Is A Friend?

A friend sees all the good in you, and excuses all your faults,
They may be many miles away, but you're always in their thoughts,
Kind and supportive is what a friend can be,
Like a lifeline thrown to a drowning man in a stormy sea.

What Is Not A Friend?

Someone is not your friend if they make you look a t*t,
And gob in your burger and fries when you've slipped out for a sh*t.
You might just forgive someone, even if they’re a liar,
But you can cross them off your Christmas list if they set your nuts on fire.

Men sentenced for setting friend's crotch ablaze

Offbeat Chronicles has made a reconstruction of what the man’s facial expression might have been when he woke up.

Things might have been a lot worse if Elliot Tuleja’s incontinent golden retriever, Puddles, had not been present at the time of the incident.

That was really a case of a man’s best friend.

Tags: Offbeat, Offbeat+News, Offbeat+Chronicles, Humour, Humor, Friend, Crotch, Golden+retriever

Off To England

Nitehawk is currently away on a trip back to England, so there won’t be any new posts for a while.

Please browse through the old posts, and don’t forget to visit the blogs I’ve got listed here for some great stuff.

Thanks for the visit. See you in a couple of weeks.

Lego In The News [Offbeat News] [Offbeat Humour]

Alternative Title: Chip Off The Old Block

Lego – do you know what I’m talking about? Those little plastic building blocks that you fit together to ……. well I’m not sure really.

A couple of years ago when some friends who had kids were visiting, I went out and bought a few (cheapo – read imitation) boxes of the stuff. I thought it would keep the children occupied in a creative and educational way.

As it happened they just ripped open the boxes and threw the blocks around the room, then lost interest. They had much more fun poking in the dust covers of my seriously expensive monitor speakers and dripping juice down the front of my flat panel TV. Ah, don’t you just love the little darlings.

When they’d left and I’d stopped crying, I still had something to remember them by. Even after cleaning up, for weeks later I would still be finding those blocks.

I found one when I woke one night with a raging thirst, after an evening spent consuming extra-strong lager and kebabs. (Don’t you find that chili sauce really salty?)

Yeah, I found it alright. As I padded downstairs barefooted to the fridge, hair unkempt, yawning and scratching at my underpants I managed to tread on one of those damn things.

It wasn’t there when I went to bed. But somehow one of those small rectangular and incredible sharp pieces of plastic appeared as if by magic on the floor.

The pain was excruciating as I hopped around the room after the initially surprisingly girlie scream, cursing and fumbling to find a light switch. Undaunted, I limped to the fridge for an ice-cold can of Pepsi that I’d have sold my grandmother for. A slow rub across the forehead to cool the head, then …….. the ring-pull snaps off.

Back to the kitchen to shove the end of a fork into the little indent where the ring-pull was once attached. Of course the stuff shoots out all over my lucky T-shirt that I couldn’t be bothered to take off the previous night. It was ruined now, and I’d only just managed to get the bloodstains out. That little nurse with the sweet smile at the casualty department never did return the call.

So what use are those darn things? I thought I’d check the news to find how they were inspiring other people, and here’s what I found.

I can understand people becoming obsessed with something, but not to the extent of naming their kid after it, like this Swedish couple did. The pair won a legal battle to name their son Lego. I just love the line at Fark: “Neighbours already report that he's a bit of a blockhead.”

I suppose looking on the bright side, the kid should be grateful that his parents weren't avid fans of Prince's single "Sexy M.F."

So just what can you do with this stuff? Well, Offbeat Chronicles has investigated and has come up with the following ideas:

You could create classic photos using the blocks as shown at Gizmodo (scroll down the page a bit when you get to the site until you find them).

But for those long winter evenings you might want a bigger project like this iron giant shown at Neatorama.

Or you could just try to confound people, like whoever built this 2.5 metre (8 foot) tall plastic character which was washed up on the shores of Holland.

Mystery surrounds the origins of the man, but a woman nearby, named Marianne, suspected it came from across the Channel.

"I saw the Lego toy floating towards the beach from the direction of England," she said.

"Nobody know what it is - or means."

As far as I’m concerned it means that you don’t want to upset anybody who uses bricks that big.

Meanwhile, back to the building projects. What about building a church?

Let Us Play

I’ve already decided what I’m going to do with those bricks I bought. I’m going to donate them to the guy who is going around repairing ancient city walls. You’ve got to admit it, that’s just pure class.

More pics

And finally, for those who like a bit of history, I’ll just leave you with Monty Python:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fIXByCAIzos

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Observational humor (humour)

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Tags: Offbeat, Offbeat+News, Offbeat+Chronicles, Humour, Humor, Lego, Observational+humor, Lego, Kids, Children, Monty+Python, Holland

Be Careful What You Eat [Offbeat News] [Offbeat Humour]

Alternative Title: What Goes In Has Gotta Come Out

I started off earlier today in search of an idea for a post and eventually decided on a theme based on snakes. As I scratched around I came across a story about a snake that ate some golf balls. That reminded me of a joke I’d once heard about a monkey that would eat anything it could find, and then my train of thought was completely broken.

The Snake

An Australian couple from Nobbys Creek, New South Wales, who wanted to encourage their hen to nest, placed four golf balls in the chicken coop.

Well, all was fine and dandy until a carpet python snake slithered its way into the coop. This non-venomous and rather stupid snake mistook the golf balls for eggs and swallowed them. You’d have thought after the first one it might have realised its mistake, but it didn’t. The couple subsequently found the rather lumpy looking 80cm (32 inch) snake in a rather sad condition, and took it to the nearby Currumbin Wildlife Sanctuary.

The story has a happy ending though. Senior veterinarian Michael Pyne performed an operation on the snake and safely removed the golf balls from the its intestine. The snake is now convalescing and working on its handicap.

I never did find out what happened to the hen.

Sky News

Well, not much of a story I know, but that’s all I can manage today………………….

…………………. Of course that’s unless you want to hear about the monkey.

The Monkey

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. He scampers along the bar counter, picks up some peanuts from a bowl then jumps onto a lamp hanging from the ceiling. Swinging from the fitting he proceeds to eat half of the peanuts and throw the rest at the customers.

Jumping back down he lands on a stool situated directly behind a guy bending over the pool table to take his shot. The monkey bares his teeth in a manic smile and looks as if he’s about to bite the guy in the butt. Just then the guy pulls the pool cue back and hits the monkey in the eye.

The little fella lets out a scream and runs round the bar again chattering.

Eventually the monkey settles down and clambers up onto a barstool next to his owner. He spots some olives on the bar and grabs a handful and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them.

Meanwhile, the guy playing pool is on the eight ball and getting down for the shot.

The monkey suddenly leaps across from the stool, lands on the pool table and chatters at the guy. For a moment there is a stand-off, then the monkey grabs the eight ball and sticks it in his mouth. His eyes bulge, but to everyone's amazement, somehow he manages to swallow it whole.

The bartender screams at the monkey’s owner "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy stops sipping his beer and says "No, what?"

The bartender screams "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry about that. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, buys the pool player a drink, and then leaves.

A week later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"No, what?" replies the guy.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but since he swallowed that eight ball last week, he measures everything first..."

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Stolen (and modified somewhat) from Half The Deck

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Tags: Offbeat, Offbeat+News, Offbeat+Chronicles, Humour, Humor, Monkey, Monkey+pool+ball, Joke, Snake, Golf, Golf+ball, Australia

Who Work Harder - Men Or Women? [Offbeat News] [Offbeat Humour]

This question is the subject of news items every now and then, with some writers favouring men and others favouring women.

As far as Australians are concerned, the jury is still out.

At the Australian website MySmallBusiness, it is argued that men are prepared to and actually do work longer hours than women.

With an alternative view NEWScom.au indicates that working mums do far more work than the dads.

And when it comes to love, men it seems work harder at courtship, but women work harder at an orgasm.

"It's amazing to me how much brain work it takes for a girl to have an orgasm," (Jenny) McCarthy said. "Guys just need to look at a nipple, and they lose it. God, I wish it was that easy for us!"

She could be right there. I get inflamed just looking at Olga The Traveling Bra.

But the bottom line is that at the workplace, male or female, it seems we’re encouraged to give more, strive harder and there’s a lot of corporate gobbledegook about giving 100%. So let’s take a moment to look at this.

What makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

If you want to achieve more in your job, seen to be striving and seen to be giving more, then there’s a mathematical formula that’s been around for a while which might help you:

If:
A B CD E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+ 15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S -S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it’s the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

Tags: Offbeat, Offbeat+News, Offbeat+Chronicles, Humour, Humor, Men, Women, Work, Courtship, Orgasm, Bullshit, Ass+kissing

Constables Raid Old Curiosity Shop [Offbeat News] [Offbeat Humour]

Alternative Title: A Tale of Two Titties

The Times Newspaper 11th April 1857

In a dawn operation, Her Majesty’s police constables entered a house of ill-repute in the Whitechapel district of London after interrogating a Mr. Charles Dickkens, who had been arrested earlier on suspicion of treason, following an anonymous tip-off.

The police have released a likeness of a Miss Amelia (Cissie) Blanford (a dolly-mop who was known to frequent the premises) taken as she made good her escape.

The police wish to interview Miss Blanford, who was known to associate with an aristocratic gentleman, and a person of unknown gender.

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Source

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Tags: Offbeat, Offbeat+News, Offbeat+Chronicles, Humour, Humor, Victorian, Charles+Dickkens, Old+Curiosity+Shop, Dolly+mop, Victorian+Chronicles

Transvestite Mugs Toddler [Offbeat News] [Offbeat Humour]

If the recent news story about transvestites trying to blackmail footballer Ronaldo wasn't enough to give transvestites a bad image, the incredible story of a toddler being mugged by a transvestite has shocked the general public.

Pensioner Doris Peabody, 76, of Leighton Buzzard, England said, "I thought they were just men with big hands who liked wearing women's clothing. Quite harmless, you know. I never thought they'd stoop to this."

Little Lucy Hargreaves, 3, was playing with big sister Molly, 7, in a playground near her home last Tuesday when a 'person' confronted them. "She was very tall and had long blond hair," Molly said. "There was this terrible smell from her breath, and lipstick smeared on her face, just like when Daddy's been out on a Friday night. And she had stubble on her face and food down her front, just like Daddy on a Saturday morning, when I run downstairs and cuddle up to him on the sofa."

Molly suddenly looked a little sad. "I love my Daddy. I don't know why Mummy doesn't let him in their bed sometimes."

Mum Lynn, 32, quickly intervened taking Lucy under her arm. "Come on silly, the nice man doesn't want to know about all that."

"I've always told her not to talk to strange men," Lynn Hargreaves went on somewhat nervously.

In the incident at the playground, the man staggered out from some bushes and apparently 'wanted his turn on the roundabout', but things took an ugly turn when a pensioner Mrs. Peabody threatened to call the police. The monster wearing a Superman T-shirt and plastic cape muttered something about lager and in an audacious move, made his getaway on little Lucy's bike.

The police have appealed to anyone who saw the incident to contact them. The CCTV footage has been released, but police warned the public not to approach the man whose temperament they described as 'changeable'.

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Source:    Deadspin   

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Spoof alert!

Tags: Offbeat, Offbeat+News, Offbeat+Chronicles, Humour, Humor, Transvestite, Mugger, Spoof, Renaldo

Strange Fruit [Offbeat News] [Offbeat Humour]

Alternative Title: What a Strange Fruit Performer Wears Under Their Costume

The Australian aerial performance arts group Strange Fruit recently gave a performance outside the Sydney Opera House. As the crowd waited in anticipation, the group mounted the seven-foot poles which the members use for their performance.

As a gust of wind swept across the quay, murmurs of excitement were suddenly quelled and a hushed crowd were witness to an X-rated display, as it became apparent that one of the group "had done a Britney."

Later it emerged that this wasn't the first time maverick performer Cynthia Gashe had acted in this manner. She told Offbeat Chronicles "Strewth, I don't know what all the fuss is about. It went down a treat in Zimbabwe."

Apparently, the previous month in a bid to divert attention from the election issue the Zimbabwean tyrant .... I mean president .., Robert Mugabe had invited the troupe over to perform at a number of venues.

Things went without a hitch at the first five performances, but on the sixth, outside the town of Binga, by the shores of the Zambezi river, Cynthia became the star of the show.

Ten minutes into the performance as the crowd eagerly watched, there was sudden intake of breath as an evening breeze wafted the frocks up even higher. An excited crowd now whipped into a frenzy from this cheap thrill pointed and cheered.

But it looks like things have backfired on Mugabe, as it later emerged that a large proportion of those present want Cynthia to be their new president.

Spoof Alert!

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Links:        Rubber Duck Musings    Dan Heller    The Batonga    goaustralia

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Tags: Offbeat, Offbeat+News, Offbeat+Chronicles, Humour, Humor, Zimbabwe, Mugabe, Strange+fruit, Spoof, Funny, Britney, Zambezi

Stalking Nun Gets Restraining Order [Offbeat News] [Offbeat Humour]

After reports of the Polish clergy being warned that they could be thrown in the slammer for plagiarism, we have news that a chubby-chasing nun has been given a restraining order for harassing a compulsive Internet user.

Sister Alopecia of the Little Sisters of Mercy convent in Salem, Oregon, ran into trouble when a block of flats was built across the street from the convent. From her window Sister Alopecia could see directly into the apartment of George Warburton, one of the residents.

Mr. Warburton, age 37, told Offbeat Chronicles “The Internet began taking over my life two years ago when I was just 144 pounds.”

To start with it was just a normal hobby. George would log on when he got home from work, check his mail and do a bit of social networking. But soon it became the centre of his whole world, and George became an Internet addict.

“Now because I exist solely on junk food and take-aways my weight has gone sky high. Things have gotten so bad that I don't bother to dress and only leave the computer to go to the bathroom. I don't clean up and don't close the curtains. It must have been on one of my visits to the bathroom that the sister spotted me.”

Sister Alopecia said “I've prayed this curse to be taken from me, but I just go all weak at the cloisters when I see a heavy man. I’ve gone to confession, and even sought counselling, but nothing seems to work. I just can’t keep away from the window.”

Police presented the following photographic evidence during the court case.

A chastened Sister Alopecia knelt throughout the proceedings.

George Warburton participated by Internet link.

Let us prey.

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Spoof Alert!

Source: Guardian.co.uk   

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Tags: Offbeat, Offbeat+News, Offbeat+Chronicles, Humour, Humor, Nun, Funny, Spoof, Polish+clergy

Chinese Soldier Reprimanded For Viagra Incident [Offbeat News] [Offbeat Humour]

It looks like some guys just don’t learn when it comes to military misdemeanours.

An Israeli soldier has been sent to the slammer for uploading a photograph to Facebook. The guy is supposed to be serving in an elite INTELLIGENCE unit. It wouldn’t have been quite so bad if the Israeli Air Force hadn’t recently instructed servicemen serving in sensitive areas to remove photos uploaded to Facebook. What a dummy.

And now news has emerged that a man serving in the Chinese army has been disciplined for taking Viagra prior to a key military parade.

Fortunately no one was harmed during the incident.

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Source:    BBC News   

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Tags: Offbeat, Offbeat+News, Offbeat+Chronicles, Humour, Humor, Chinese+army, Viagra, Israeli+army

Earth Day [Offbeat News] [Offbeat Humour]

Earth Day will be soon be here, Poetry4kids assures me,
Do your bit to save the world and revel in the glory.
Plastic bags and lager cans, it's not just me to blame
There are many other culprits. Yes, you - we know your name.

Tips for recycling, here's a guide,
The end of the planet? You decide.
Glass my arse, take the empties to the store,
I know what you're thinking, I'm just a bore.

Global warming, it is a fact,
We must make a stand, we all must act.
Buy a fridge, go down to the store,
Put it in the garden and leave open the door.

Beauty contests, only one can win,
The others must take it on the chin,
All's not lost, I've a plan you see.
The winner's not that good, send the rejects to me.

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I hope Poetry4kids appreciates this. What one will do for fellow Blog Catalogers.

Down, street cred and drain seem to spring to mind, but not necessarily in that order. I’ll have to pull the beanie hat down even further now.  Earth Day link

Tags: Offbeat, Offbeat+News, Offbeat+Chronicles, Humour, Humor, Earth+Day, Poetry

Catholic School Teachers Strike Over Lingerie Issue [Offbeat News] [Offbeat Humour]

Catholic school teachers in the United States have further added to Pope Benedict's embarrassment. Arriving in the U.S. at Andrews Air Force Base, Pope Benedict XVI expressed his embarrassment and shame at the behaviour of some clergy with respect to child abuse.

The school teachers, however are either unaware of his plight or prefer to put their agenda first as they prepare to strike over freedom of choice on clothing issues.

Brenda Pacey, from Lewiston, Maine who is the head of the science department at St. Thomas More High School, said that she wants to get away from the frumpy school ma'am image. Ms. Pacey, 27 wants to do this by wearing her bra on the outside of her clothing. Pacey maintains that the school would be denying her human rights if it banned her from doing so.

http://trendy-lingerie.com/141/lingerie-to-be-seen-in

Pacey has the support of several of her co-workers. Jack Fettle (social studies and humanities) said that he would be prepared to wear his underpants over his trousers as an act of solidarity. "If it's OK for Superman, it's OK for me," he quipped.

Sister Donna Marie the RI teacher said that as a nun aware of modern dress styles she wants to try the stockings and suspenders look that she spotted a while ago. If given the go ahead Sister Donna Marie hopes to enter the school's sports day in a fun-nun-run. A hundred metre dash that she hopes will raise money for her favourite charity - Blind Dogs For The Guides.

And George N. Babcock, the school’s art master said that he had to wear a skirt at home when he was mowing the lawn because of a fungal infection. He's found the skirt so comfortable and liberating that he now wants to wear it to school. He said that he thought the pupils would understand and be 'cool with the idea'. He didn't expect there would be excessive cases of pencil dropping for a quick 'upskirter'.

The militant teachers are planning a candlelight vigil to coincide with Catholic Underwear Awareness (CUA) week. And top British company Anne Summers which sells clothing and other products for the adult market is running a special line of retro black mantillas with optional matching bodices. A proportion of the profits will go to the CUA.

Similar News Stories:    NYDailyNews    AOL   

Spoof Alert

Tags: Offbeat, Offbeat+News, Offbeat+Chronicles, Humour, Humor, Pope+Benedict, Catholic, Lingerie, Teachers, Spoof

Knickers Fiend Changes His Tune [Offbeat News] [Offbeat Humour]

Offbeat Chronicles can reveal that the man at the centre of the news last week for making requests for women’s knickers is back in trouble again, as a restraining order has been set against him by Judge G. Miles Overblaster.

The man, Wilbur J. Smallsworthy from Bethany, Oklahoma has recently been stalking the world champion knicker wearer Sonia Panz-Doun. Unrepentant Smallsworthy told a shocked court – all those frigging knickers, surely she could spare just one pair. People don’t understand my needs.

With rumours that Smallsworthy might decide to become a sex tourist, panic has set in and the Indonesia Government is urging women to wear padlocks on their knickers. A government official said we have the honour of our women at stake, and besides you just can’t stroll down to Wal-Mart and pick a pair up for a couple of bucks here you know.

And in a not completely unexpected reaction from the men, some have advised the women not to wear any knickers at all.

But Smallsworthy in a statement read out by his solicitor has trashed the idea. “Knickers have caused me nothing but trouble. I’m a reformed man and don’t want to see any again”.

But there was concern as it was leaked that Smallsworthy was heading to Australia where volunteers are planning to gather 200,000 bras so that they can create the world's longest underwear chain. One determined supporter said ‘It’s Sydney or bust’.

Offbeat Chronicles tracked down the pervert at Heathrow Airport over the weekend.

“Just one”, Smallsworthy was seen to mouth from the other side of the glass in the departures lounge.

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Source: Alt News    Steven Humour    ABC News   

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Tags: Offbeat, Offbeat+News, Offbeat+Chronicles, Humour, Humor, Knickers, Bras, Spoof, Indonesia, Sex+tourist

Big Sue or Curvy Carla [Offbeat News] [Offbeat Humour]

I don’t pretend to be an expert on art, but as the saying goes ‘I know what I like’.

Last Thursday a nude photo of French first lady Carla Bruni-Sarkozy, standing all schoolgirly coy (well, as coy as you can get with your kit off), her hands over her special purpose, forming the outline of a heart, (or is it a Batman logo?), was sold in New York for $91,000, more than 20 times its expected price.

Meanwhile:

Luvvy of the art world, Lucian Freud has created a masterpiece guaranteed to put you off your extra-strong lager and kebab supper. His 1995 work, Benefits Supervisor Sleeping, is to be sold in New York next month with an expected asking price of 17 million British pounds.

The piece took nine months to create, and the model ‘Big Sue’ Tilley who posed for Freud said that she started off being paid 20 pounds a day, but enjoyed the meals that he treated her to more. By the look of it, they must have been bloody big meals.

So, I know one is a photograph and one is a painting, but my question is which one would you sooner have hanging on your wall?

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Source: China View    BBC News   

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Tags: Offbeat+news, Offbeat+Chronicles, Lucian+Freud, Carla+Bruni-Sarkozy

Hooligan Traffic Lights Upside Down Claim [Offbeat News] [Offbeat Humour]

Spoof Alert!

Yesterday we reported on Dutch hooligan Dirnt Giff van Dam who completely wiped out 4 years of work and the efforts of Dutch school children by driving a stolen motorcycle into a replica of a Viking ship.

At the time it looked as if the courts would throw the book at him, but van Dam has brought up what he claims to be extenuating circumstances. Although he admits to having taken the bike he says that it was just a bit of fun and that he would have returned it if it had not been for the police chasing him, and believe it or not IF THE TRAFFIC LIGHTS WERE NOT UPSIDE DOWN!

Van Dam said that he was spooked by the police and shot off down the side streets towards the water front, but when he came to the end of the road he saw the traffic lights and was so confounded and confused that he lost control of the motorcycle.

“I just kept looking at the lights, then this really ugly hooker walked out in front of me”, van Dam said. “The next thing I knew was that the front wheel hit the kerb and I was shot into the ice-cream stick thing”.

Van Dam claims to be the real victim of the incident and says that now even the sound of an ice-cream van bell brings him out in a cold sweat.

After the incident emergency services fished van Dam from the water and he was taken to the local hospital casualty department where he was treated for shock, minor lacerations and five hundred splinters.

When asked by our reporter whether police had taken down his particulars, van Dam said yes, but it was still a sore point.

Van Dam is currently released on police bail awaiting a court hearing.

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Source: Offbeat Chronicles

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Tags: Offbeat, Offbeat+News, Offbeat+Chronicles, Humour, Humor, Dutch, Hooligan, Spoof

Ice-Cream Ship Disaster [Offbeat News] [Offbeat Humour]

Alternative Title: Why Tell The Truth, When You Can Do A Spoof?

It took 4 years to build and was constructed from 15 million ice-cream sticks. U.S.-born stuntman Robert McDonald had the help of his family and 5000 Dutch school children to create the 15–metre replica of a Viking ship which he called Thor.

The project was more than just the construction of a ship. It conveyed a message: strive and you can achieve anything; good can overcome evil; the human spirit can never be broken.

Following several test sailings the ship was ready to cross the North Sea to England. On the eve of the crossing after final preparations and modest celebrations the crew retired for the evening.

Meanwhile across town, a young tearaway by the name of Dirnt Giff van Dam stole a motorcycle and set off on a joy ride to impress his mates. But fate was not smiling on him that night, and neither was it smiling on Robert McDonald. Van Dam now being tailed by police shot through the back streets and into the harbour area. Already high on extra-strong lager it is claimed that he ran into a vaporous cloud that was a result of all the glue that had been used to bind the lolly sticks.

Completely losing control of the bike and narrowly missing a hooker and a sailor van Dam slammed into the ship shattering it into a million (well 15 million actually) pieces.

Fortunately he has been assigned a social worker and lawyer and may sue McDonald for negligence, although just like the ship, we don’t think the case will stick together.

Luckily none of the crew was on the ship at the time of the incident, however PeeWee the ship’s mascot has not been seen since.

The next day, our reporter found Mr. McDonald standing by a an ice-cream van near the location of the incident. With plucky resolve as he neared the end of his ice-cream McDonald said “Oh well, one down 14 million, 999 thousand and 999 to go”.

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Inspiration: Yahoo   

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Tags: Offbeat, Offbeat+News, Offbeat+Chronicles, Humour, Humor, Viking+ship, Holland

Don't Mess With Grandma [Offbeat News] [Offbeat Humour]

Alternative Title: Age Rage

I recently had reason to take Funny Offbeat News to task about publicising pictures of my grandma, but that’s another story.

The story here is of mistaken identity. In this case ….. well I won’t spoil it.

Click on the picture for the story.

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Thanks to Pamela

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Tags: Offbeat, Offbeat+News, Offbeat+Chronicles, Humour, Humor, Grandma

Sumo's Girlfriend Piles It On For Her Man [Offbeat News] [Offbeat Humour]

Why Tell The Truth, When You Can Do A Spoof?

While the debate goes on at USA Today about skinny models warping girls’ body image, one girl has piled on the pounds for her man.

Two years ago biker Jenny Hill, a shapely 22–year-old from Albany, Illinois, fell for Sumo wrestling hunk Akihito Takahashi when she was on vacation in Japan.

When Jenny returned to the U.S. the couple kept the relationship going by telephone calls and computer video conversations. Jenny would visit Akihito as often as she could, but last year the two had a crisis when the Sumo champion complained about Jenny’s weight. He actually said that she was too skinny for him. In a row that was blasted over the newspapers, Jenny flew back to Illinois and it looked as if the relationship was over.

Secretly though for the next six months Jenny followed a Sumo diet and quickly went from a svelte size 10 to a whopping size 32. Set to surprise her lover, Jenny booked a flight to Japan, but more problems lay ahead. Because of her new size our love struck heroine couldn’t fit into any of the seats and had to spend an uncomfortable flight in the baggage hold.

Arriving in Takamatsu, Jenny looked a little strained, but it was worth it all when she saw the look on her man’s face. Grinning from ear to ear, Akihito said “I never knew she could look so beautiful”.

Jenny has also been learning Japanese and hopes to move to Japan later in the year to be closer to Akihito. The couple have no definite plans at the moment, but just want to get to know each other again. “I’ll have my hands full stopping my buddies hitting on her,” Akihito joked.

Go on baby, shake that booty.

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Stamp out fattism now! Support the campaign – eat a pie.

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Tags: Offbeat, Offbeat+News, Offbeat+Chronicles, Humour, Humor, Sumo, Japan, Fattism